Finding the missing pieces


Blog For Free!


Archives
Home
2005 August
2005 July
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February

My Links
Lynne's TBlog
HevenlyShades TBlog

tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images

Sponsored
Create a Blog!



new dawn
08.17.05 (5:07 pm)   [edit]

The past is fading


Like a nightmare


Fleeing the dawn’s light


Reality shines before me


With its crisp, clean edges


So unlike the blurred vision of yesterday


 


Possibilities stream all around


Like the beams of a summer sun


Dancing through a stained glass window


For every smile returned


A chance at a new opportunity


Hope for tomorrow


 



 
poems by me
07.23.05 (6:24 pm)   [edit]

Lies full of holes through which the truth leaks


Drowning me in their reality


Leaving me gasping for air


Wondering where my world has gone


 


Here I am again


Is it where I’ll always be?


 


But, no, that’s not where I am


Because I see it now


Before it swallows me whole


Before I suffocate


 


Here is where I am


And it’s not where I was


Only where I am


 


Better or worse, doesn’t matter


For it is now, here,


This moment that counts


 


I won’t waste it thinking about what was


Only what tomorrow will be.


 




Deep within the confines of my soul


Lurks the lonely child within


Searching for comfort


In the barest phrase


The slightest motion of kindness


Cringing at a harsh word


Smiling without, crying within


Wanting, needing someone


To see


To know


To feel


To share


Sighing, when again


Disappointment comes.






Onward the journey goes


Another day in the life


Friends gathered


Happy events


Sigh


Just that one piece missing


That elusive piece


The emptiness that wraps itself around me so coldly


And I find not enough warmth in the happiness that is there


I look


I try


I stop trying and let it come


Yet it doesn’t


And here I am again


Alone, but not afraid, just sad


Bitterness, anger have left


Shadows do not haunt the night


Just emptiness


In time, my friend, in time


I have faith.



 
nothing much
10.16.04 (10:58 pm)   [edit]

Well, a kid-free night here. So, what do I do? Finish homework, study for a test and get mad because all the coffee places near me close at 9 and I wanted coffee. I'm tired, sick of studying and homework this week and have a coffee pool in my tummy from too much instant cappuccino.


I considered going to a bar tonight, but it just really was not what I wanted to do. Really not me anymore. Haven't drank more than 3 beers in the past month. Don't really like being around drunk people. And thinking that bars are not good places to make quality friends. I guess I'm finally completely past that phase of my life.


Damn, I still itch everywhere from flea bites. I had an exterminator come this week so hopefully they all go away really really soon. It has definitely gotten better but I'm still really paranoid about the lil evil critters. And have still gotten a couple bites since the exterminator. But a couple is better than the couple hundred I had gotten. I'm starting to feel like their might be a light at the end of the flea tunnel.


The whole flea circus has ended my good outlook on my budget too. It’s back to the same old terrible looking budget it always has been. And will stay that way until next semester’s student loans. Hopefully next semester I’ll be able to hang on to the money longer. Just so many damn expenses this fall.


Ok, I really have nothing important to write so I might as well get some sleep and wake up early tomorrow and do more work. Fun, fun.


 



 
sigh
10.11.04 (11:48 pm)   [edit]

Well, instead of doing something productive, I’m blogging. I’ve had a flea infestation in my house. It’s been a nightmare. Literally, I so hate fleas. I can’t sleep knowing they are around. I’ve treated the damn cat, sprayed the carpet and bombed the house. Still, there are some persistent little bugs that just will not go away. I’m supposed to be patient the vet says, could take a couple weeks. Oh no, I don’t think so. Bugs are creepy, cannot just live with them until the finally all die. I have to be able to do something. Tonight, I’m waiting for my comforter to dry from washing it yet again, along with my sheets. I’ve sprinkled baby powder everywhere (heard they hate that). And I am considering bombing again. It’s just so frustrating. I’ve done everything they said to do and still fleas. Can’t they just die already?


 


I’ve got so much work in school this week. A debate, a 2-3 page paper with references, two other assignment in that class, and two assignments to prepare for a difficult exam makes for a long week. Oddly, the exam itself won’t be that difficult, it’ll be figuring out the UNIX server crap that’ll be hard. One week to memorize UNIX commands so I can do C++ programming on it. Peachy. On top of all that, the fleas, the household chores, the budget, and a kid birthday next Monday, not too mention getting them ready for a trip to their granny’s house and them having no school on Friday. I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed this week. I really think if it weren’t for the fleas, I’d be fine, but I swear every other thought of mine is flea-related. Why it is getting to me so much, I just don’t know.


 


Besides recently, things are going really well. My current personal improvement project (excluding organization in my life which is an ongoing project) is to ask my neighbor out. Not on a date, but as neighbors and friends. But he’s male and I’m female and I don’t want to give the wrong impression but would like to hang out with him. So, I’m not sure how to go about it. I’m so socially inept sometimes…it’s sad.


 


I have about 30 more minutes until my dryer and comforter are done so I can go to sleep. I do believe it’s time to invest in a second really warm comforter. Although, I have another one, it’s in the dryer too. It was sitting out during the bug bomb and chemicals on blankies don’t make for good sleep.


 


I talked to chromegirl tonight. We’ve gotten back in touch recently. Boy does she have her plate full. I so wish there was some way to help her out. I guess the best I can do is be there when she needs me. We’ve always tended to lose touch and then get back in touch. It’s good to talk to her again. She’s going through such a rough time and I think she feels like she’s being a burden or a pain talking to me about it, but though our friendship even when we don’t always see eye to eye, she’s like a sister to me. I’d do anything to be able to keep her from getting hurt.


 


Sigh, guess I’m out of things to write, will have to find something else to do. Just missing some old friends right now and feeling a bit on the nostalgic side. Maybe I’ll dream tonight and they’ll be there.




 
just a blog
10.06.04 (12:26 am)   [edit]

There is so much that’s occurred to me recently that I want to write about and now it’s the same old dilemma of where to begin? I so need to blog more often so that I don’t have so much to write at once.


 


School is going great. I really love being back and feel so confident still on how I’m going to do and how I am doing now. The kids are doing well in their school too. We’ve really gotten into some good habits this year concerning homework and other after school activities. I’m just so much more organized this year.


 


Emotionally, I feel stronger and healthier than I have been possibly ever. I’ve been stable and happy for quite a while now. That’s always been very unusual for me. The norms were always stabilizing then panic over something and lose just about any and all progress I had made. This is the tough time of year though. Holidays can be stressful. The kids’ birthdays are around this time, as is mine and that makes for a strained budget and lots of planning for birthday parties and such. Luckily, this year I am doing better financially (love student loans….hope I graduate and get a job this time). I feel like I have a shot at getting through the holidays without too much strain on the budget. I’m going to Florida for Thanksgiving and possibly Christmas too. I’m looking forward to that. It’s different and should be a good time.


 


I think the largest stressor in my life right now is that some people have unrealistic expectations of me. That goes back to the fact that I do not want a relationship. Further than that this person who has these expectations of me is someone I would not be in a relationship with even if I wanted one. I can only state my thoughts and feelings on the matter, not force them to accept that. They are determined to believe that there is more to my feelings than I state, what can you say to that? I don’t enjoy hurting people and am tired of having to in this case in particular. If he loved me like he says he does (constantly and annoyingly) he wouldn’t put that pressure on me to conform to what he thinks is right for me. He shows such a lack of respect for my feelings and my stance on the situation. It’s almost like it’s a constant battle for me to enforce my position. Luckily, I think that will change easily enough soon. I’m ready to expand my social life and am doing so. That alone I think will make it sink in that we’re not in any type of relationship. He’s not always good at handling any attention I pay to others, as much as he tries. Maybe it sounds callus, but I don’t really care. I will be myself, what he does with it and how he handles it doesn’t play any role in my decisions concerning my life be it social or otherwise. The only thing I can do is restate my feelings and hope he can deal with things in a healthy manner. If not, as a friend I can try and help but being a part of the problem in that case it most likely will fall to others to help him. Sigh, it’s a depressing topic all in all. I enjoy the friendship we have, but sometimes it seems he relies either too much or not enough. He refuses discussing regular stressors in his life as friends do but takes the stress out on me. Then he finally discusses it and relies on me to reinforce his opinions, decisions, etc. He’s such a co-dependent, which was great when I was one too, but I’m not anymore. I’ve finally broken the co-dependent habit and am forming a normal social life. Well, I think I am anyway, only time will tell for certain.



 
blah blah blah
09.13.04 (2:24 pm)   [edit]

Things have been fairly calm. The kids are all adjusted to being back in school for the most part. I’m acing my first class (which I knew would be easy). My second class looks to be a lot of work, but manageable, especially since I decided to drop Statistics. I need to take that class some time when I can really focus on it, not my first semester back in college. I’m really enjoying my time back in school. I feel I’ve adjusted and am doing really well thus far. Granted, it’s still early, but I am almost done with one class and still feel very motivated and happy with things. I’m actually kind of proud of how I’ve adjusted and am doing, not just in school but in life in general. I’m not really stressing over things, I’m learning to actually relax and take time for myself every now and then, and I’m doing what I want in life.


The only exception to that is that I’ve lost touch with a couple friends that I’ve really been missing recently. It’s my fault the contact was lost, I know that. I guess I’ve just let it get to the point where it’s going to feel weird getting back in touch. Although, it would have helped had they contacted me sometimes too. I hate always being the one to reinitiate contact. Usually it takes some crisis to make me call people and talk, especially after a long hiatus. But I don’t have any crisis or any real reason to call, except wondering how they are. I guess that’s actually a better reason to call, isn’t it? I think a part of me is afraid socializing will make it harder for me to concentrate on the things I have to do, but that’s a really stupid excuse to let friendships lapse. I need to focus and socialize, too. I just need to not get caught up in other people’s lives to the point of distraction to mine. Simple… Although, I have managed it very well with those friends I do talk to. And I think one in particular was a very large challenge as I've gotten caught up way to easily in their life before.


I think I’m getting bored with my life again. School isn’t enough, although it is very time intensive. I need a bit more life in my life. I’ll work on that…



 
pep talk to self
08.21.04 (7:00 pm)   [edit]
I’m a little on the stressed side tonight and I’m not entirely sure why. Well, I guess I do. I’m back in school, classes have started and I’m terrified that I’m not going to do well. It’s irrational because on my first assignments I’ve gotten 100%, I’m still dedicated and sure of my intelligence and motivation, but the fear is still there. I think a part of the fear has to do with the fact I just rearranged my schedule after getting transfer credits evaluated. I’m now taking 6 classes for a total of 16 credit hours. The 16 credits aren’t the problem it’s concentrating on 6 classes that makes me a bit nervous. But the more I do, the quicker I get my degree. Intelligence-wise, I know the stuff shouldn’t be that difficult. But there isn’t much room for error and none for slacking even a little with so much homework and so little time for the classes. Keeping track of them all I think will be harder than the actual work. It’s tempting for me to jump ahead in my first class, but that really does me no good considering after the first few assignments will be group work and my next classes don’t start for a few weeks. Not too mention, getting ahead doesn’t help me as much as it hurts me. I have had a tendency to lose track of where I’m ahead or what I’ve done and it makes staying on track for the long haul difficult. However, I know this, I recognize it and am going to fix that. I just need to take a deep breath and relax and understand that nothing comes easily in life and I am going to have to work constantly for the next 1.5 to 2 years for the degree I want. I can do that. Deep breath – in with the good, out with the bad. Kids in school next week will mean study time for me, then I should still have time for myself when they go to bed. Although that doesn’t leave room for that job I wanted. School first, job later. I just have to prioritize and not stress myself out to no end. Baby steps will get me there without the danger the giant leaps have. And yes, I know I’m pep talking myself. I need it. One day at a time and for tonight, my homework due tomorrow is done turned in and graded at 100%. Next homework is not due until next Sunday so I will pace myself and get in a pattern of doing things that will help me in the long run, because it’s the long run that is my goal, not the short term.
I think I covered all the cliché pep talk items. Why am I still stressed? Ok, instead of typed pep talk to self, bubble bath and bed…maybe that will help.


 
ramblings
08.09.04 (5:55 pm)   [edit]
So, I took my girls camping this weekend. I went to the campground I went to with my parents when I was a kid. It was a lot of fun. Except the first night, I was there by myself with my girls. I was fine, feeling all safe and relaxed. I get in the tent and within an hour, I hear sounds outside the tent. Then someone set off firecrackers right near there. Then I hear more noise and see a shadow, which I tried to tell myself was not a person. I was panicked, scared out of my mind and felt completely helpless. Then it settled down and I started to relax a little again and then I end up seeing a raccoon shadow. I couldn’t decide whether to be relieved it was a raccoon because that meant no people, or scared of the damn raccoon because my tent didn’t zip all the way and I didn’t want the thing coming in to explore. Eventually I got a flashlight and scared the thing off with the bright light. That’s the short version of the night by myself. The result was a complete feeling of inadequacy. I was unable to do anything while I thought there were people outside my tent. Now, I realize it was kids playing jokes, enjoying themselves while on a boring camping trip with their parents, but it was downright scary. It was a family campground, I started out feeling quite safe and ended up deciding no more nights camping alone with my girls. And now that I’m home again, I feel unsafe here too. If something ever happened, how am I, a hundred pound single mom, ever going to be able to protect my kids? Ok, so the odds are low of anything ever happening, but the feeling is still there. I live in a great neighborhood, but my best neighbors just moved out and until someone new moves in, that space right next to me is empty and it leaves me feeling more vulnerable.
The odd thing is, I finally realized why it is I like being single so much. And then this happens and I realize at least one major benefit of having someone else around.
So, I know you’re wondering, why is it I like being single so much? Well, people generally get on my nerves eventually for one. Two, I enjoy my time to just do my thing. It’s the simple things. For example, having the radio on versus the TV, or reading a book and relaxing by myself, just deciding on the spur of the moment to take the kids somewhere, those are all things that are important to me. I like having my time be mine. I don’t want to clear it with someone else to do those things, I don’t want to bore someone with what I want to do, I don’t want to be bored with what someone else wants to do. Another huge thing is families. I am learning to really appreciate my family’s non-involvement. My sister and mom gossip back and forth a bit, but that’s it. They don’t try to tell me how to live my life, what to do or anything like that. I can’t stand it when I see other people’s family dictate how they live. They gossip back and forth and then there are huge arguments. They judge each other and feel the need to put their two cents in. Then it ends up as the person follows the advice out of family pressure or resents that the family can’t respect their decisions. I’ll admit to being very disappointed my family wasn’t happy with my life and I resented their feelings on it before. However, I’ve realized, I’m an adult and I don’t need their approval or happiness to do my thing and be happy with it. And I feel they respect me more for that attitude. My ex-husband didn’t necessarily live to win his family’s approval, but lived to “look good” in society. He wanted an image and he didn’t care what he had to do to maintain the image no matter how false it was. It’s that attitude that I can’t stand. Why must people do so much for others approval?
Ok, I’m ranting now, but let’s see, other things I like about being single. The main thing is not answering to anyone, to be able to spend my time my way with no one hurt or annoyed or any of that. I’ve decided I really hate explaining myself to people. I just want to live and relax.
Things are so going to change here soon. I am starting back to school his fall and am really going to not have much time for anyone. For the most part, not a problem, because most people have forgotten that the phone works both ways and don’t call at all. There will be at least one though, that is not going to be happy with the change. But, I’ve let too many things come between me and school and am determined to not let that happen again, hurt feelings or not. I’m not responsible for making anyone else happy, just as no one is responsible for making me happy. Maybe that’s the wrong attitude to have, but I don’t think so. I’ve said for a while now, I’m living for me, to make my dreams a reality, not to please anyone else. I have plans for me and as of right now, there is no significant other in those plans. I’m going to finish school in two years, get a full time job, get a new car within three years and in five years, buy my first house. That’s the plan. Sometime in the five years I’m going to take my girls on a real vacation, a full week somewhere cool for them, either a houseboat on Lake Cumberland in Kentucky or Myrtle Beach, SC. And I’m going to have the money to let them enjoy it to the fullest extent.
I just feel like finally, I’ve grown up. No more self-destructive behavior, no more excuses for failure. Just the calm realization that it’s time to roll up the sleeves and get to work making my place in life. I’ve made my goal of waiting until all my girls were in school, I can move on now and really make things work for myself. I just hope I can maintain my independence, make it through the rest of the rough financial times and finally feel as though I’ve accomplished something.


 
SSDD
07.27.04 (8:05 pm)   [edit]
I’ve got that borderline anxiety feeling right now. That if I let myself think for too long is going to become full-fledged anxiety. I feel frustrated and stressed with no reason to actually pinpoint, but a thousand reasons to sort through.

Things seem to be getting back to same shit, different day. It all feels so familiar but it’s not really relaxing in its familiarity. My test results for cancer were negative, which was great news, but not quite the relief I was expecting because there seems to be still a problem in how I feel. I don’t really want to get into that though. I’m just sitting back hoping that it will go away and the last procedure actually will help and that’ll be the end of it. The kids have returned which is so very wonderful. I really didn’t do too much while they were gone. I just didn’t need the stress relief of getting out and didn’t really have the funds to do it anyway. I’m so happy to have them back. They are so much a part of me, and my life everyday.

I go soon to enroll in courses in college to try and finish my degree sometime this century. I think it will be an adjustment getting back into school, but I am looking forward to it very much. I need that to focus on and help me direct my life where I want it to go. I’m looking forward to the work. It’s for me, on my time, to help my goals. I’ve needed that for a while now. I feel college this time will be a lot easier for me. I study, I do the work, I learn, I succeed. It’s so cut and dry and simple. Always before, there was too much to get in the way of that simple focus. Now, I simply can not wait for the simplicity of it. There are no complications like there are in everyday human interaction. It’s just me books and maybe the occasional teacher. Now, of course, financial aid is always a pain, but even that seems preferable to me right now. I think I’m just seeking the isolation with the focus and reason of pursuing my goals. I’m just feeling so worn down right now. I think school will give me the fulfillment I seek.


 
alone in a crowd...and loving it
07.08.04 (3:05 pm)   [edit]
I just read a very good book. Mary Reilly by Valerie Martin. It’s the Jekyll and Hyde story from a different perspective, that of Jekyll’s housemaid. It takes the same premise as the original Jekyll and Hyde, exploring the good and evil side of people, to another level. The book really set me to thinking on the subject.

We all face the darker sides of ourselves at times. Some people hide from that side of themselves. Others accept that aspect too willingly and believe that is all that is in them. As in everything, moderation is the key. Neither extreme will ever be a solution. There is both good and bad in everyone. I think the answer lies in accepting that there exists bad in ourselves, but the decision to act on that bad is in us. Just because it exists does not make it who we are unless we choose that option.

There have been times I have truly believed I am just a terrible person and have just let myself go with that. I felt it was inevitable so why fight it and deny it, if it were in there it must be me. What I think I’ve come to realize is that one reason for my extremes of moods and actions is because I have a tendency to go with whichever side of me comes out and give that side of me full range of action. Moderation. For the past few weeks, I have made a conscience effort to avoid extremes. I’ve had to slow my life down to almost a halt to manage it, but so far it seems to work. The extremes don’t have to be that way. I’ve accepted that I can’t always control how I feel when I feel it, but I can control how I react to those feelings. I’ve known that for a while now, but I feel I’ve finally grasped the concept fully and am acting in accordance with that knowledge.

The problem I run into now I think is that I’ve slowed everything down so much that it’s time to pick up the pace and live a bit more normally and maintain that control. Time to slowly ease myself back into being social on more than just the surface. Maintaining control while hiding from people is all well and good and simple but can not last.

Although on the other hand, I relish my self-imposed loneliness. It’s so comfortable and freeing. I miss NYC. Now there is a city you can live alone in a crowd, always. If I didn’t have the kids I would so live there. I think that city was made for me. And from all I know and have seen is full of people just like me, loving the alone in a crowd feeling.


 
blah
07.07.04 (4:00 am)   [edit]
Type, ramble, that’s what I need to do. I have things on my mind and I, as usual, am having trouble sorting them out. And of course, it’s always more difficult this time of month. Damn I hate PMS. I’m just outright irritable. Not like I have no reason to be or anything though. I miss the kids so much it’s unbelievable. I’ve done well all in all. Tried to keep busy or at least relax. I call them a lot, take one day at a time. But they so need to be home. The ex-moron just drives me crazy. He’s moved from asking me stupid questions like “they fight a lot…is that normal?” to “two have complained of chest pain…does that happen a lot?” It’s like he’s searching for things I’ve done wrong with them. Oddly, I take good care of my kids, they go to the doctor when they need to, they know the rules and how to behave. He’s let the oldest one get 8 stitches on her chin due to his lack of attention and forethought. Then she knocked a tooth out and he didn’t even think to get that checked as it wasn’t ready to come out. Then he takes them all to the eye doctor, which only one of them needs and just went less than 6 months ago. He did that because he said she said it’s been longer but I had told him last time I took her. Then his other reason was because she had lost them and no one could find them for two days. Hello! She’s 7 and in an “I hate my glasses mode.” Make her keep track of them and wear them. In the three years she’s had the glasses, we’ve never lost them for more than a few hours. But somehow, he is still searching for ways that I have failed. I don’t let it get to me all that much, but damn does it annoy me. And it’s gotten to the point where his irresponsibility is stressing me out. I’m not going to give him a hard time about it. There’s no point, one shit happens, kids aren’t always the easiest to take care of and two, he’s not involved enough in their life to really let it worry me. They can survive a few weeks with a moron.

On top of that, I’m still trying to find a job, I hate temp agencies right now. Going to a new one today and just keeping my fingers crossed for something…anything. It’s depressing to not even be able to get some crap job for a few weeks while the kids are gone, but I’m not giving up yet. It’s time to get a little more aggressive in my search and find a temp agency that will actually work for me. And to stop letting little things get in my way of doing that.

It’s been a week since my doctor’s appt. and nothing yet. Another week at most, then I should hear. Right now, I think I’m in the mode that says no, it’s not cancer, just call and tell me for sure so I can quit thinking about it. I just want to know and be done with the whole issue.

There are so many more things on my mind yet I still don’t know how to put them into words just yet. A lot of thoughts on friends, my decided lack of interest in relationships, family, and misc. other thoughts. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they form into coherency to write them down.


 
just venting
06.30.04 (7:53 am)   [edit]
I know I need to vent and I don’t even know where to begin. My kids are in Florida, I’m back from visiting my sister in NYC, my cat came home then disappeared again, I haven’t found a job yet. Things just really aren’t going my way right now. I know if I don’t start venting, I’m eventually going to breakdown completely. My ex is a freaking moron. He keeps trying to tell me how much the girls are misbehaving, he’s had nothing good to say about them. And he says it while they are still right there in hearing range. Why is it everyone I know and meet, family, neighbors, teachers, everyone, thinks my girls are angels and incredible except their own dad? Doesn’t he realize they are vying for his attention that they never get? That they are missing home tons and might just be a bit stressed and maybe he could try being understanding a bit more? No, he’d rather yell at me every time I call to talk to the girls and blame me for their behavior. Because you know, I’m a terrible parent or something. He can just take a fucking flying leap. I’m doing fairly well not letting it get to me, too, not that it seems that way, but I am. I realize he needs to blame me for his failures as a parent and that he really doesn’t know them enough to judge them like he is. I’ve had too much positive feedback from people on my parenting (even my ex’s mom thinks I’m great) to let his idiotic opinion get me down. It does irritate the living daylights out of me though.

I’m just so stressed out right now. I had my stupid doctor’s appointment yesterday, glad it’s finally done. I have 1-2 weeks before I find out if it’s cancer or if I will need any further treatment. Not that that is on my mind at all. LOL I’m here in an empty house, stressing about everything known to mankind with no real solution in sight to anything. There is no way to get results quicker, no way to get my kids home early, no way to just poof find a job (trying a temp agency, signed up today), no way to make money appear and go out and do anything, no way to make the moron ex wake up and be a proper parent.

I’d really like to just sit down and cry and get all of it out, but I can’t. It’s like I need just one more thing to push me to it. I told myself I would get through this all just fine, and I will. I also know that crying and getting some of the stress out is not a bad thing and at this point would be really helpful.

I’m supposed to go to a party Saturday (my neighbors, not really going anywhere except outside) and I don’t even feel like it. Then my cousin’s having a party on Monday for his son’s birthday and the 4th of July parade and I so would love to think of some excuse not to go. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, being around anyone, doing much of anything. I have of course, spent time with the aunt and uncle when I got back from NYC, went to my doctor’s appt., signed up with the temp agency. I’m making myself do things but it’s not easy. And yes, I know, it’s called depression, but it’s only a temporary thing. I can and will get through the next few weeks and I will be better for it. One day at a time is the way to go right now.


 
and life changes...
06.21.04 (7:30 am)   [edit]
I so need to start packing. I’m leaving for NYC tomorrow. My kids have one babysitter Tuesday and Wednesday, another Thursday and Friday, then the ex picks them up on Friday. Then they are gone until the 17th or 24th of July…damn I hate the ex and his lack of solid dates. I have so much to do and here I am sitting around drinking coffee and trying not to think about it. I leave first thing tomorrow morning. I have to get everything ready. I think a part of me is still in denial of everything. The kids being gone for that long. Me flying to NYC to help my sister move. It’s so different than anything I’ve ever done. I don’t get week-long trips by myself. I don’t leave my kids with babysitters that long, mainly because I’ve never had anyone to do that with me feeling comfortable about it.

Does anyone realized that this is terrifying for me? I’ll do fine and get through it well, I know that. It’s just going to be that initial shock tomorrow morning of actually starting on all these plans and changes. I try not to worry about all the things that can go wrong, but a few things keep popping into my mind. Especially that the moronic ex won’t actually come pick up the kids and will change plans yet again. I really think I’d lose it on him. But hopefully, he’ll actually follow through on his plans this time. I just have to believe that he will otherwise I will never get on that plane to NYC. It’s bad enough leaving my kids a few days earlier than I have to. I think that’s one reason I put everything off so long, like packing. If I’m busy and things are hectic, I have less time to dwell on that fact. There won’t be a really teary-eyed leaving in the morning because it will be fairly early and I’ll be rushing getting the last minute things done.

And then, when I get back next week, I’ll have an empty house and have to figure out then what to do and will probably have a temporary breakdown missing the kids. But, then I will shake it off and move on and hang in there until they get back.

And all in all, the extra time with the kids before they left has been wonderful. We’ve kept busy with parks, COSI, zoo trips and backyard playing with neighborhood kids. It’s been great and fun and really made me appreciate having them around and take advantage of having them here.

Everything happens for a reason, eh?


 
blogged down
06.15.04 (8:42 pm)   [edit]
Oh where to start. I’ve being living in a blog void. All blogged out. Blogged down even. Ok done with those, on to life as I know it…

The Moron, aka kids dad, ex-husband, asshole etc, cancelled last minute on his plans to take the kids for a month. Then rescheduled. It was madness, chaos, frustration incarnate. I can’t even vent about it properly because I’m still in such frustration over it.

I dread the day the kids actually do leave…if they do which knowing him is never certain. I’ve never been kidless for more than a week. What will I do for a whole month. Just tonight, kids sleeping I realized how empty life will be without them around. It’s like a constant awareness of them. I know where they are, what they are doing, who’s eaten, who’s grouchy, who’s sleeping, who woke up late and is going to be trouble come bedtime, who was up late and is going to sleep in or be grouchy waking up early. All those little things that make up life with kids. It can be exhausting, but I took one night off in the past 6 months or so and am fine again. I don’t want to go that long without them. And yes, I know it will be good for all of us in theory. Too dependent or something. I like to think more along the lines of I just love them to pieces and am going to miss them terribly. I give them space, I get mine and we’re fine as is, why must that change. Oh yeah, they have a moron for a dad that I’d regret ever meeting if it weren’t for ending up with them. He doesn’t deserve them, he proves that every day and will probably do more to prove it when he has them. Oh, I know he loves them, but he can’t show it worth a damn. Oh screw it, I’m wasting time venting about an unchangeable frustrating thing.

I’m so stressed and life just seems to be changing accordingly. I just can’t tolerate anything anymore. I blow up at anyone who even slightly annoys me where I used to have some type of patience. I just don’t care who likes it or not. I cannot deal with anymore idiotic people than my ex right now. One moron driving me crazy is plenty for the time being. I’d expect people to understand that but I guess some people won’t. Especially after years of me being in the habit of avoiding my problems by dealing with others, now I take time for my things first. Silly me. Especially after all the years of not doing it, it feels I have more issues than most sometimes. I’ll deal and move on and that is life.

I know, not my most coherent or purposeful blog in the world, but a nice change from nothing.

And useful on a night where sleep is long in coming.

 
coffee and tylenol and musings
05.20.04 (6:47 pm)   [edit]
So I hear Im looking for love in all the wrong places. The classic clich. Unfortunately, its based on the assumption Im actually looking for love, which Im not. Damn if I thought I was jaded before, I was sadly mistaken. I never knew the depths to which jaded could go. Ive always had walls. I think at some point in time I dropped those walls and that could be why I can end up as jaded as I am. When you let people in the only result is pain. Yes, there are some good things to come of it, but in the end there is only the hurt. Why is it the good things that happen dont leave the lasting impression that the hurt does? Ill ponder that point some other time.

Im at an odd point in my emotional life I believe. Ive dropped all the walls before, been burned, rebuilt them, dropped them again, been hurt etc etc etc. Although last time, I guess I wasnt actually hurt, just disillusioned. The point is, right now, Ive got more walls then Ive ever had before and dont plan on ever letting them down again. Except this time, I acknowledge that I still feel. I havent turned the emotions off. I still love, I still get angry, hurt, scared, happy, sad, etc. The difference now is, I am choosing which emotions to share and when and exactly how much. I'm completely in control of them all. No drama, no extremes, just emotions here and there, some shared, some not.

Ive changed in another way too. People think I will just sit back and take shit. Nope, I did learn that lesson, it gets you no where. Oh sure people sit back and say oh shes so sweet and oh how patient. Or they sit back and think wow what a dumb ass. C is my final answer, Regis. No more taking shit. Hell, if people want to think or say crap about me anyway, might as well give them reason to. I guess that just goes back to being jaded in essence though doesnt it? Ah well, such is life.


 
Is life this confusing for everyone or is it just me?
05.11.04 (6:12 am)   [edit]
Ive come to the conclusion I am the worst judge of people. The absolute worst. Its not just boyfriends I misjudge, its all people. I cling to that stupid belief that everyone is basically good at heart and thats where I am so damn wrong. I look at myself and I know what kind of person I am, and its not always pretty. I can be selfish, I can be cruel. I also know the reasons I can be that way. I do it to protect myself from hurt. What I dont understand is the people who can be like that without that reasoning. Then I think along another line. Sometimes being nice does no one any favors. What kind of friend am I to someone when I let them do whatever without saying hey maybe thats not the best idea. Then again, who I am to tell anyone else how to live or what to do or what decisions to make? I dont like anyone presuming to tell me what is right or wrong for me to do in my life and therefore dont often do that to anyone else. How can anyone give advice when no one walks in anyone elses shoes and therefore can never truly understand the entire situation and all the feelings involved?

I got off the subject there. I was discussing my judgement in people. See, I tend to trust everyone to a point. But I am not one to trust someone with a lot of knowledge about me and my life very easily. And it just seems to me that anyone I have trusted with that knowledge has either used it against me or hurt me with it. Now, maybe thats just life, but it seems to me that there is just something really wrong with my judgement to have that happen time and time again.

I guess the question is now, what am I going to do about it? Do I just isolate myself and not trust anyone ever again or do I give people the chance to hurt me more? Doesnt that seem like a catch 22? Isolation is never fun and can be painful at times and yet trusting the wrong people isnt fun and can be painful too.

Is life this confusing for everyone or is it just me?


 
a few song lyrics
05.09.04 (7:49 am)   [edit]
NICKELBACK LYRICS

"Someday"

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

[Solo]

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when




WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL
Artist: Ronan Keating


It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me when ever I fall
You say it best..when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd (the crowd)
Try as they may they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine

CHORUS X 2

(You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me..

CHORUS

(You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..)

The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me..

(You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..)

Patti Smyth With Don Henley - Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough
Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus)

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No.



 
....
05.02.04 (7:16 pm)   [edit]
I should be off to bed since Im almost outta cigs and have to wait til morning to get them, but I think I need to write to sort my thoughts out. I feel very odd and not myself and Im trying to figure out why. No, thats not entirely true. I know why. I just dont know what to do about it. Ive shut myself off, turned the emotions to hidden, and have said fuck the world.

I told myself I wasnt going to do this again. I wasnt going to run from my feelings. It was so normal and healthy to feel them and deal with them. Why is it then that I ran so completely from them with no more than a moments notice? And as soon as I typed that I knew the answer. I lost hope, lost my faith in love, realized there will never be a happily ever after and so it was easier to just not feel than to face that kind of disappointment. Im so tired of disappointment.

Ive realized I will never be happy in life. I will never have that relationship Ive always wanted. Im not capable of it. And no one will have the patience or understanding to deal with me. I think I am just going to accept that I will always be alone and deal with it and move on. No point in trying for what you know you will never have. Better to just work with what is, and that is me, alone, not giving a shit.

Am I just depressed? Most likely. Something had to balance out the happiness I felt not so long ago. Before long it will even out and I will be somewhere in the middle until something else comes along to upset the balance. But Im not going to let it be so easy to upset the balance anymore. If someone wants to know me, they will have to work for itbesides those that already know me, of course, cant take back that knowledge now can I?


 
blah
05.02.04 (4:47 pm)   [edit]
Im in a bad mood today. I dont even know why. I just am. Tired, irritable, stressed, anxious. It is just one of those days when I feel incredibly worn out and drained for no apparent reason. Im worried about my friends who have important days tomorrow. Im stressed because my kids are sick and I dont get it, fine one minute, not good the next, not sure what to do with them. Its like every positive thing Ive ever felt has just disappeared. I know its just a mood, it will pass. Im just worrying about too many things right now. As they all get resolved it will get better. One day at a time, one minute at a time. In with the good, out with the bad. Keep on swimming, keep on swimming. Blah.

 
Hobbies
04.30.04 (8:27 am)   [edit]
hobby n. pl. hobbies An activity or interest pursued outside one's regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure.

Synonyms: amusement, art, avocation, bag, craft, craze, distraction, diversion, divertisement, fad, fancy, favorite occupation, fun, game, interest, kick, leisure activity, leisure pursuit, obsession, occupation, pet topic, play, quest, relaxation, schtick, shot, sideline, specialty, sport, thin, vagary, weakness, whim, whimsy

Ive decided I like hobbies. Ive got a few of them even though Ive never really thought of myself as a hobby person. I read fantasy books all the time. I web surf. I blogok that might be an addiction. I shoot pool when I canalthough Ive really slacked on that hobby. And I have at least one other hobby, Im sure. I think my goal for the rest of this year is to indulge myself in at least one hobby activity a day. Preferrably more than one. Just think of all the benefits, it will enhance my calm, lower my frustration level and if I indulge in my more active hobby, possibly even help me get in shape a bit, although any active hobby I have does not happen oftenIll have to work on that one. I indulged in a all of my hobbies yesterday, except pool, and am very relaxed today. Even if one of those hobbies kept me up until late, it was well worth it. Everyone should have a hobby.

Sigh, dreary, rainy day outside and yet I am in a not so bad mood.hobbies are very good for me.
:P

 
realizations...
04.29.04 (9:34 am)   [edit]
Bitterness and anger. I know the purpose they serve, I have had enough bitterness and anger in my life to understand that you cant go through life never feeling them. They are useful in moderation. The help to strengthen you when you are hurt. They hide the hurt until you are ready to face it and deal with it or until it fades.

Just recently, I ended my relationship with someone I still love to pieces. I did it without anger or bitterness. I did it because I didnt see the relationship going anywhere and did not want to wait until it became full of bitterness and anger for me. I was restless because I knew it would end up there for me. I have no patience. I used all that up a while ago, even though I didnt realize that until patience was again called for. I guess that makes mewhat? Stupid for trying? A bitch for walking away? Nave for wanting to believe, yet failing? I dont think it does, but I see how people can think that. I can respect that. And maybe people are right.

But Ive done so much thinking recently and feel like I might have actually been able to learn something. I let go of some past anger and bitterness I had and was able to look at something in a whole new light. I realized that all the faith in the world does not change the facts. I realized that love does not conquer all. I realized that no matter how much you want to, some things just cant be changed. I realized that as impossible as it is to change someone else, it is sometimes almost as difficult to change yourself.

And Ive started to think that maybe Ive given all I have to give in love and dont have much of anything left to offer anymore. Somewhere in all my thinking time, I believe I gave up. I looked back at all the times Ive actually tried and failed and realized there just wasnt much point in trying anymore. My eternal optimism bubble has burst. I didnt lose faith in anyone else, just myself, but thats probably the worst one to lose faith in, isnt it? No bitterness, no anger, just reality. A sad, but true reality.


 
GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR
04.28.04 (6:00 pm)   [edit]
Fuck it all. What a month. It so needs to be over. Its just not getting any better and seems to keep trying to get lots worse. And it seems to be that way for everyone I know. MH has his problems, Chromechickie has her problems, Ive got mine. Its just getting ridiculous. Id say bad things come in threes but this is more like exponential 3s. Im not going to get into MHs and Chromies problems, lets just say, Ive got the least of ours I think.

I was going to go to Chromies house this weekend, pick up a book she needed for her class, just veg, relax, help her out with her people problems. Thats so not happening anymore. Ive got to spend all day tomorrow cleaning up my yard because my neighbors and I got in trouble for stupid shit. Yuppy cities suck! Dead veggie plants in a garden are cause to be written up, did you know that? Papers that blow into your yard from where ever on windy daysthose are your responsibility too, doesnt matter if ya didnt even see the crap. Kids toysnope those arent allowed either, doesnt matter that there is only two of them and they are neatly against a wall so they can be played with. Oh thats right, theyve got dirt on them.ummm they are outside toys? Are they supposed to be cleaned? How often is it necessary to wash them to meet city standards? Fuck them. Just stupid stuff. Now the neighbors car that has been up on blocks in the driveway for two weeks.get rid of that thing, it gets in my freaking way. Oh and did I mention that I am starting to feel crappy, my daughter has a sore throat and a kid in her class had strep, my throat is getting sore tonight and I was just at the useless doctors office today. Ive had it with this crap. Just one thing after another.

Not to mention my parents change their plans all of a sudden and screw up some of my plans in the process and some of my sisters plans. GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent. GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR


 
frustration
04.28.04 (8:08 am)   [edit]
Damn it. This month just continues to be fucking wonderful. I spend 45 minutes in my doctors office only to be told by my doctor that they cant do the biopsy and stuff today because of a fuck up on their part. Then I go to reschedule, next appt is mid-May well since thats going to be that time of the month I cant do it then, so after that the next appt..JUNE, not sure the date because they dont even have the schedule up.

So, being a bit irritated and tired of waiting I spend the next half hour at home calling other doctors, but being a new patient, I cant get in to any of them until June either. Three damn months after I was told I need this procedure, it might get done. This is so frustrating. I just want to scream, or say to hell with it and not ever even get the thing done. I just dont give a shit right now and am so gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr.

How am I supposed to just sit around for two months and wait for a procedure that is supposed to tell me whether or not I have cancer? And yes, I know, from what Ive read cervical cancer takes a long time to develop so I should be ok. But it doesnt always take a long time and Ive already discovered a family inclination for problems in that area. Thats not exactly reassuring.

Fuck it all, nothing I can do anyway.


 
what am I doing?
04.26.04 (10:53 am)   [edit]
What is it about me that I can screw up everything I try to do in life? Is it bad luck? Bad karma? Stupidity? Hell if I know.

I just walked away from my relationship. I couldnt do it. I cant deal with long distance, I fear commitment and am just in a fuck it all mood. Thats what happens when I get restless. I make changes in anything and everything I can. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I just really dont want to lose my friendship with him and am afraid that if I stay in the relationship I will end up doing something stupid and ruining not just the relationship but the friendship as well. Id rather walk away now and hope like hell we still have the friendship. Although in thinking about it, hes got to think Im completely insane. Which most likely, I am. I cant explain what goes on in my mind that makes me do 180s at any given moment.

How does anyone deal with me? I cant even deal with me.


 
trouble
04.25.04 (10:39 pm)   [edit]
Have you ever had one of those really weird feelings like something was going to happen and youre waiting for it, but you dont even know what it is? Im feeling restless, unsettled, like I need to DO something, change somethingI just dont know.

I think Im bored.what will I do about that? Logic tells me to do nothing about it and be happy with the boredom Ive so longed for forever. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I wanted boredom, normalcy and Ive got it. Now what?

Am I really all that different than I was 12 years ago? Am I really all that different than I was 5 years ago? I know Im different than I was 2 years ago, but two years ago I wasnt myself and its good to have changed from that. But what have I changed to? Have I changed back into who I was or into someone new altogether? Or am I just pretending to have changed at all, fooling myself into believing I can change?

Three hours later, Ive finished my conversation with myself. LOL and my conversation with others. I will never change. I love trouble too much. Its what I am, what Im meant to be, what I will always find. And its also what I am bound to prevent in others. Consider the trouble over. I thought I needed others for this, but I realized I dont. Done. Well, give me a week if you want to get technical. Then done.

Ahhhhh, its always nice to figure out what your place in the world is. Trouble is what Im all about. A good trouble though. LOL Uh huhsuuuuurrrreeeee.


 


moon phases