It’s not even 6 a.m. and I am wide freaking awake. :roll: :shock: I hate mornings, why am I so damn awake this morning?? I’m taking the kids to the zoo today and am so going to end up tired for lack of good sleep. Speaking of the zoo, I think that’s what put the analogy in my head, I am feeling rather like a caged animal this morning. I feel like I should be pacing…of course I can’t pace and type so I can’t do that. Pacing and looking out through the glass towards freedom and wondering how to get through.

So, BNBMH and I had a nice conversation last night, we have a lot of those. Still no resolution to anything. We’d be great together, we‘re pretty sure on that one. But we’re not really together because we live far. I can handle that…as long as he doesn’t start dating someone else. LOL The way I look at it is I may not be taken, but I am officially unavailable. Maybe given time I’ll end up taken too. I think time is an important factor here. I tend to forget I’m not supposed to rush things. I’m just not really patient. Especially when I know where I think it should end up so I’d like to just skip right to that part. LOL Life doesn’t really work that way does it? Wouldn’t it be nice if it did though? It’d be like life’s own little fast forward button. Although I think then a lot of people would want a handy little rewind button too.

I think I am just going to stop thinking about it. What is, is, if it changes, it changes, if not, it doesn’t….you get the idea. I think it’s time to put the ol’ brain on cruise control until something comes up that requires me to turn cruise control off.

Hee, hee, hee, hee…..I just had a particularly evil thought. :twisted: I should so call and wake him up this morning…something about “if I’m awake everyone should be awake.” LOL Nah, but it was an amusing thought.

You know, I had a whole blog written bitching about things that can’t be changed and really make no difference in the long run. I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself or I can accept full responsibility for where I am in life and if I don’t like it do something to change it. Don’t know about you, but whining really doesn’t do any good for me, I think I’ll continue to work and get my life where I want it. There is so no point wishing for things that I don’t have. I’m where I am in life for a reason, bad decisions, bad luck, doesn’t really matter. I am where I am, can’t change that, all I can change is where I’m going.

Although just for the record I’m going to say I really hate my ex-husband.

Have you ever played a pinball game, watched the little ball go down the hole but you sat there hitting the flippers anyway? Like it'll make a difference somehow, bring the ball back...something.

Or cleaned a window and it ended up so clear you almost forgot the window was there.

So why is it sometimes the most obvious things in the world are the most difficult to see or accept? When did everyone get so jaded that even what's right before our eyes somehow just can't be real? When exactly is it that we stop believing what is right in front of us...and why? Is there some point in it that I'm missing? I need clues to figure this one out.

Do I regret letting him read my blog? No, I don’t think I do. If I can let strangers read my life, my thoughts, my every mood, why not someone who already knows me so well? What’s the worst that could happen – he understand me better than he already does? Ok, I know a lot of other things could happen, but I can deal with whatever comes.

I’m just feeling fairly peaceful right now. I’ve had my fill of panic, it was tiring worrying so much. It’s not entirely gone, maybe it never will be, but I’m feeling….solid is a good word for it. Maybe grounded? Whole? Stable? None of those quite work, yet they all work.

It’s as if I’ve reached a point where I can quit thinking about my emotions like the are a foreign entity and really comes to terms with the fact I do have feelings and oddly, I’m ok with that. Yup, it’s official…I’m a girl. LOL Go me! Thirty years, three kids later, I have accepted my feminine side. LOL Ok, so why is it I want to adopt a lisp, put my hand on my hip and say something along the lines of “[i]Oh, honey that color is soooo not you, you need a nice peachy tone to bring out your eyes….[/i]” LOL Well, good thing I’m a girl now, I don’t have to make sense. LOL

[b]Life is fun when you allow yourself to live…[/b]

I’ve decided, this is my blog and I’m not going to stop writing in it just because I know who’s reading it. Hell, if someone really wants to know all my thoughts, go for it. As all my thoughts go round and round in my head, I’m slowly making sense of things…ok maybe.

It dawned on me that I’ve almost never put 100% into any relationship, I came close once, but even then I held back. No wonder none of them ever succeed. I would give someone whatever they needed but never really share what I needed or wanted. I was never fully happy in any relationship and to keep it working I sought what I wasn’t getting elsewhere. Things like friendship, emotional support, laughter, fun…all those I found from someone other than who I was with. And then the guy I was with would end up shocked when I finally decided I had had enough pretending and moved on. Duh me and duh them.

So, yes I am a fool, but at least I’m a fool who is going about things the right way now. How else can I ever expect to be happy in a relationship except by being myself and sharing that with who I’m with. There are no guarantees that it will work that way but at least it’s honest and I will never have to look back and wonder. Sometime, somewhere I’ll find someone to be happy with and will actually be happy and hopefully will be with someone who is happy with me, all of me. And if that never happens, well I can live with that, it’s better than settling for something less than what I want. I’ve done that enough and it doesn’t work.

Take the risks, be prepared for the worst, hope for the best and maybe one day it’ll all work out….right?

I had a weird dream last night. It was pretty self-explanatory as to what it meant though. I was swimming in the ocean with some other people, we weren’t very close to shore. I look out and see a sub come up from the water and I knew it was trying to avoid the tidal wave that was coming. It was a huge, world-altering tidal wave too. The only way we were to survive was to grab onto the outside of the sub and hold on while it dove to the bottom of the ocean and then come back up. So we all grabbed on and I knew not everyone would survive. A guy grabbed the same spot I did and we both held onto each other and I knew that if he let go I wouldn’t be able hold on the whole way. As we dove down the pressure of the ocean around us held our hands together on the sub. As we turned around and started back to the surface the pressure was trying to tear us apart and to my relief I was the only one gripping tighter. We reached the surface and we had to start swimming a different way because the backlash of the wave would be coming soon. We made it through the backlash and ended up somewhere kind of on shore. The weird part was the building we went in had water in half way, but it wasn't on the floor, it was on the ceiling and if you stood up you could breathe the water. So the whole world had changed and there was this water that defied gravity and you could breathe. So, as I was adjusting to this an old friend appeared and started telling me that the water I was breathing wasn’t water at all. But I could see it, it looked like water, felt like water, acted like water except for the breathable part. So I was arguing with the old friend and they told me, no those are actually soap bubbles. When I explained they didn’t taste like soap and you can’t breathe bubbles, they said I was wrong and they took the soap taste out and it was all just to confuse me. I knew that wasn’t right, but it was impossible to argue. I was so frustrated they tried to convince me it was something other than it was. Then I woke up.

What do I think it means? Waves and water and especially the ocean have always meant emotions in my dreams. Normally I am terrified of waves and struggled to get away. In this dream it was different I used the water to escape the worst of the wave but accepted that the wave was going to change the world without fear or apprehension. Just as I know the emotions I feel in my real life right now have the potential to change my world. The person in the dream telling me things were not as I saw them are the external and internal things in my life trying to tell me things are not as I think they are and frustrating me because I know how they are even if I get scared.

Too bad the dream didn’t continue and give me a clue how to deal with it…maybe just like the water that was breathable I should just accept things as I see them and as I know they are even if they seem as unlikely as….breathable water.

I hate being moody. I have PMS right now, I know that, but knowing it doesn’t stop it. I’m moody, overemotional and just ggggrrrr in general. There’s no real reason to be in such a bad mood this morning besides pms. And the fact I overslept, woke up 5 minutes before having to take kids to school, then my cat is going on a peeing around the house spree….he’s never done that not sure what the damn cat’s problem is but it’s not making me a happy camper. I changed the litter box so hopefully that helps, even though it didn’t really need changing. Stupid cat.

I had my first panic attack over my relationship with BNBMH yesterday. It just hit me all of a sudden and I was thinking…what am I doing? I’m risking losing my best friend if this goes bad, I’m risking tons of hurt and blah blah blah…and yes I’m blahing myself because I’m just being an idiot here. Another side effect of PMS. Logically I know it’s going to be fine, emotionally I’m freaking out. I need to enhance my calm. Wish me luck.

On a happy note, my family has been great this week (besides my cousin being a moron). Usually my family is full of non-supportive jerks too involved in themselves to even think about being supportive to anyone else. But this week, they are being very cool. My parents, who are usually the worst both sent me very supportive emails. I think a part of it is in my more healthy emotional state that I’ve been working on I actually turned to them and vented a little of my frustration. I have done that before and I really felt they failed to be there for me, but this time they really did well. Just short emails that were just really thoughtful and sweet…even from my dad who NEVER does that type of thing. Wonders never cease my family may actually love me yet. So this is what being stable is like? Ok, besides the PMS. LOL

I’m in an amazingly wonderful mood. I had such a crappy day yesterday and then spent hours on the phone with BetterNotBreakMyHeart. He really never ceases to amaze me. He’s as scared as I am about that broken heart thing. We talked about so much, I don’t even know where to begin.
We talked about him moving…he brought it up, not me. We talked about how this whole relationship between us will work…ok we don’t have that one quite figured out yet in realistic terms of seeing each other regularly and all that. We talked about taking care that we don’t lose the friendship no matter what happens. That one I do have figured out, told him as long as we keep being completely honest with each other about how we feel, where we are at in terms of life and our relationship and all that we should be fine.

I’ve never trusted anyone so much, so completely, it’s so nice to be able to discuss things with him without worrying about his reaction. I can say, hey I’m not good at relationships and I don’t want to mess this up with no awkwardness. I can say that I have no idea how to go about this, I can say anything and everything to him. I love this feeling. It’s probably the biggest risk I’ve ever taken in my whole life because of how hurt I could get, but it’s also got potentially the biggest reward of all…happiness. Because if I can be completely me and be loved by him still and know him completely and still love him how wonderful is that? And as to neither of us ever being good at relationships before, well it only takes once to get it right because if you get it right it’ll last a lifetime.

I was joking with him about him admitting he missed me cuz I told him I missed him and I said look at us go that’s one issue down only 999,999 more to go. LOL And we both admitted tons more than that we missed each other, I just had to tease him to keep things “us.” It’s just how we are and how I hope we can always keep it. I admitted I’m head over heels for him, he admitted he’d be a fool to let me get away from him this time…wow he did admit that. It’s still sinking in that he is as in love with me as I am him. He’s said it, but I’m a lil slow here in accepting it fully. I think I’m in shock that something may actually go right in my life. If things work between us and I really think they will and heck even if they don’t, it makes my whole life worth it, all the pain, hurt, misery I’ve been through, I’d do it all again just to get right back to this point right now. It just feels so peaceful and happy and wonderful and ok I’ll stop before I make someone sick with all the mushiness. LOL

I think I’m getting rather addicted to blogging. I went through withdrawal yesterday with the site down. I had a really good weekend. I went to a women’s retreat with chromegirl and her church. Ok, not my cup of tea in any way shape or form, but I must admit the weekend was fun. We did girly silly stuff and just downright had fun. The bad parts of the weekend…the hotel had very poor service, their hot tub was broke and my van broke down with some mysterious electrical problem and I’m taking it in today and going to be without a vehicle til it’s fixed. UGH!

Other intriguing things, DenialBoy…who’s name we are going to change to BetterNotBreakMyHeart, BNBMH, drove two hours to take me out and spend the night with me while at this retreat. I didn’t even ask him to come, he just suggested it. At first he suggested coming to pick me up and take me back to his place because I had intended to go there Saturday but the broken van made that impossible, but that was too much driving and instead he drove to see me. He really shocked me by doing that. I know we are best friends and all and I love him to pieces but driving that far just to spend one night with me makes him seem like he may actually want a commitment with me. We had a whole talk before…see prior blog…and I had thought he was vetoing a relationship because he was afraid to lose the friendship. He knows absolutely everything about me, my life, everything…he knows my expectations and he still decided that he would not only drive out to see me, but we ummmm ok we ya know. This doesn’t go in the oops category though. I asked him beforehand if he was sure because I’m all girly now and have expectations and all that and he said he understood that. I told him I was trusting him a whole helluva lot. I just hope he doesn’t take that for granted and just used it to get him some. I think he does value our friendship and I am trusting him to not be like that with me and he knows that. And he knows I’ve been like that with guys before and he’s trusting me not to be like that with him. He said once that he was afraid of becoming one of my morons…the ex-hubby, ex-boyfriend and all. Even knowing all that, even though I believe he does love me and does want to be with me, I’m scared to death.

He can really break my heart and he knows that. I just hope he cares enough not to. I took a huge leap of faith in trusting him with that last part of me he has never had, the physical part. I have never trusted anyone like this…and here I thought I’d never trust anyone again after my past relationships. Silly me. I am still holding my hopes in check until he and I have a chance to sit down and talk this through. I’m not sure what I expect from him entirely. He lives 125ish miles away. I so can’t move again, I’ve moved too many times in my life and my kids need to say in one place. So that means if we have a relationship it will be long distance and that won’t work for too long, I just want more than that. So then he’d have to move here, pick up his whole life and change it and I can’t ask him to do that, he’d have to decide he wants to do that.

This is just so different. How I feel about him is so different. I love him so much, with all of me, and I want him to feel that about me and if he doesn’t I want to let him go so he can one day have that with someone. I don’t just want to be with him and make myself happy, I want so much to make him happy too. This isn’t a fly by night romance, full of passionate feelings that burn out as suddenly as they began, this is full of feelings that have been around for years and years. I want so much for this to work and be all that a relationship and love should be. I’m just so afraid I’m setting myself up to be really hurt and really disappointed.

Isn’t there a saying about love conquering all? Ugh, let’s hope the love bites saying isn’t more appropriate here.

Not enough sleep….

I took the plunge and laid it all on the line with how I feel towards him. It’s ok though because we really did discuss it all. He told me pretty much how he felt. He’s afraid that if we get together we’d ruin our friendship and that is something he couldn’t handle because he wants me in his life. Doesn’t mean he’s not going to take the chance, just means it’s what he’s afraid of. He doesn’t want to completely grow up but he knows to be with me he’d have to. He’s torn between how he feels and what he’s afraid of so far.

I actually emailed him a copy of my last blog entry so he knew exactly where I was at and what I was feeling even though I had pretty much said it all, just thought the last blog really summed it up well. I have no idea where it’s all going to go now, but I’m not afraid of it. That’s how comfortable I am with him. We can each tell the other all of how we feel and regardless of if they match, or if we both want to go the same place or whatever, it’s all good. On one hand that’s a wonderful thing, on the other it’s a bit on the scary side to trust someone so much with my heart. I hope the saying of “the ones that make you cry aren’t worth it and the one that is won’t ever make you cry.” He has my heart, let’s hope he decides breaking it isn’t what he wants to do. More on this to come I'm sure...

What love is….I have figured it out. I’ve been working on making all these changes in my life so that I can eventually have a chance at a real, lasting, loving relationship. I knew the improvements I was making in myself were good and had a reason but I couldn’t figure out exactly what I wanted in a relationship, what it was I felt I was missing. I was so lost I almost considered giving up the progress I had made and just say what the hell, do whatever, it won’t work anyway. And then it dawned on me I knew exactly what it was I wanted in a relationship and I even already had it in my life.

I want a relationship where I am completely myself, free to be 100% honest about all of me, good, bad, ugly and everything in between. I want to know that the person I am with will always be there for me to share all of those things. I want someone who is comfortable enough to be themselves with me and share all of themselves with me. Someone I don’t want to change, someone who doesn’t want to change me, yet someone to learn and grow with and experience life with. Basically, my best friend.

I had that once, and then he changed and went psycho. All throughout the rest of that relationship all I wanted was my best friend back. I never got that, he had issues that were beyond my help. Thinking of it like that makes me a bit sad because I was on the right path, I had found what I was looking for and the reason I lost that wasn’t me or anything wrong with my perspective or thoughts, it was his mental issues that changed him.

Before that, I had it, too. I had a friend, to this day he is still the exact same friend, hasn’t changed, never wavered. I was in love with him many, many times and nothing ever came of it for various reasons…mainly my fault. I never really realized what it was I had in him. I knew he was my friend, I knew I loved him but let everything else dictate my actions on it. I guess I just took for granted that he was always there and never saw it for the love that it was/is. I don’t know if I’ll ever end up with him, maybe he doesn’t feel that way entirely towards me, but he’s given me the best gift any friend could ever give. Just by being him, he’s taught me what love really is. And now that I’ve realized it, I won’t settle for anything less in my life. I hope maybe when I sit down and talk to him he will tell me he feels the same towards me and that can end my search for love, but if not, that’s ok too because at least now I know what I am looking for. I want to find love and be the one someone else finds it with.

It’s like a light bulb in my heart just finally shown through all the darkness there and it’s all very peaceful. I know what love is, I have felt it and experienced it and have known it all along in some way. Now, I hope I can recognize it where it is instead of looking for it where I thought it should be.