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| Hobbies |
| 04.30.04 (8:27 am) [edit] |
hob·by n. pl. hob·bies An activity or interest pursued outside one's regular occupation and engaged in primarily for pleasure.
Synonyms: amusement, art, avocation, bag, craft, craze, distraction, diversion, divertisement, fad, fancy, favorite occupation, fun, game, interest, kick, leisure activity, leisure pursuit, obsession, occupation, pet topic, play, quest, relaxation, schtick, shot, sideline, specialty, sport, thin, vagary, weakness, whim, whimsy
I’ve decided I like hobbies. I’ve got a few of them even though I’ve never really thought of myself as a hobby person. I read fantasy books all the time. I web surf. I blog…ok that might be an addiction. I shoot pool when I can…although I’ve really slacked on that hobby. And I have at least one other hobby, I’m sure. I think my goal for the rest of this year is to indulge myself in at least one hobby activity a day. Preferrably more than one. Just think of all the benefits, it will enhance my calm, lower my frustration level and if I indulge in my more active hobby, possibly even help me get in shape a bit, although any active hobby I have does not happen often…I’ll have to work on that one. I indulged in a all of my hobbies yesterday, except pool, and am very relaxed today. Even if one of those hobbies kept me up until late, it was well worth it. Everyone should have a hobby.
Sigh, dreary, rainy day outside and yet I am in a not so bad mood….hobbies are very good for me.
:P
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| realizations... |
| 04.29.04 (9:34 am) [edit] |
Bitterness and anger. I know the purpose they serve, I have had enough bitterness and anger in my life to understand that you can’t go through life never feeling them. They are useful in moderation. The help to strengthen you when you are hurt. They hide the hurt until you are ready to face it and deal with it or until it fades.
Just recently, I ended my relationship with someone I still love to pieces. I did it without anger or bitterness. I did it because I didn’t see the relationship going anywhere and did not want to wait until it became full of bitterness and anger for me. I was restless because I knew it would end up there for me. I have no patience. I used all that up a while ago, even though I didn’t realize that until patience was again called for. I guess that makes me…what? Stupid for trying? A bitch for walking away? Naïve for wanting to believe, yet failing? I don’t think it does, but I see how people can think that. I can respect that. And maybe people are right.
But I’ve done so much thinking recently and feel like I might have actually been able to learn something. I let go of some past anger and bitterness I had and was able to look at something in a whole new light. I realized that all the faith in the world does not change the facts. I realized that love does not conquer all. I realized that no matter how much you want to, some things just can’t be changed. I realized that as impossible as it is to change someone else, it is sometimes almost as difficult to change yourself.
And I’ve started to think that maybe I’ve given all I have to give in love and don’t have much of anything left to offer anymore. Somewhere in all my thinking time, I believe I gave up. I looked back at all the times I’ve actually tried and failed and realized there just wasn’t much point in trying anymore. My eternal optimism bubble has burst. I didn’t lose faith in anyone else, just myself, but that’s probably the worst one to lose faith in, isn’t it? No bitterness, no anger, just reality. A sad, but true reality.
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| GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR |
| 04.28.04 (6:00 pm) [edit] |
Fuck it all. What a month. It so needs to be over. It’s just not getting any better and seems to keep trying to get lots worse. And it seems to be that way for everyone I know. MH has his problems, Chromechickie has her problems, I’ve got mine. It’s just getting ridiculous. I’d say bad things come in threes but this is more like exponential 3’s. I’m not going to get into MH’s and Chromie’s problems, let’s just say, I’ve got the least of ours I think.
I was going to go to Chromie’s house this weekend, pick up a book she needed for her class, just veg, relax, help her out with her people problems. That’s so not happening anymore. I’ve got to spend all day tomorrow cleaning up my yard because my neighbors and I got in trouble for stupid shit. Yuppy cities suck! Dead veggie plants in a garden are cause to be written up, did you know that? Papers that blow into your yard from where ever on windy days…those are your responsibility too, doesn’t matter if ya didn’t even see the crap. Kids toys…nope those aren’t allowed either, doesn’t matter that there is only two of them and they are neatly against a wall so they can be played with. Oh that’s right, they’ve got dirt on them….ummm they are outside toys? Are they supposed to be cleaned? How often is it necessary to wash them to meet city standards? Fuck them. Just stupid stuff. Now the neighbors car that has been up on blocks in the driveway for two weeks….get rid of that thing, it gets in my freaking way. Oh and did I mention that I am starting to feel crappy, my daughter has a sore throat and a kid in her class had strep, my throat is getting sore tonight and I was just at the useless doctors office today. I’ve had it with this crap. Just one thing after another.
Not to mention my parents change their plans all of a sudden and screw up some of my plans in the process and some of my sister’s plans. GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR R
Vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent vent. GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR
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| frustration |
| 04.28.04 (8:08 am) [edit] |
Damn it. This month just continues to be fucking wonderful. I spend 45 minutes in my doctor’s office only to be told by my doctor that they can’t do the biopsy and stuff today because of a fuck up on their part. Then I go to reschedule, next appt is mid-May well since that’s going to be that time of the month I can’t do it then, so after that the next appt…..JUNE, not sure the date because they don’t even have the schedule up.
So, being a bit irritated and tired of waiting I spend the next half hour at home calling other doctors, but being a new patient, I can’t get in to any of them until June either. Three damn months after I was told I need this procedure, it might get done. This is so frustrating. I just want to scream, or say to hell with it and not ever even get the thing done. I just don’t give a shit right now and am so gggggggrrrrrrrrrrr.
How am I supposed to just sit around for two months and wait for a procedure that is supposed to tell me whether or not I have cancer? And yes, I know, from what I’ve read cervical cancer takes a long time to develop so I should be ok. But it doesn’t always take a long time and I’ve already discovered a family inclination for problems in that area. That’s not exactly reassuring.
Fuck it all, nothing I can do anyway.
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| what am I doing? |
| 04.26.04 (10:53 am) [edit] |
What is it about me that I can screw up everything I try to do in life? Is it bad luck? Bad karma? Stupidity? Hell if I know.
I just walked away from my relationship. I couldn’t do it. I can’t deal with long distance, I fear commitment and am just in a fuck it all mood. That’s what happens when I get restless. I make changes in anything and everything I can. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I just really don’t want to lose my friendship with him and am afraid that if I stay in the relationship I will end up doing something stupid and ruining not just the relationship but the friendship as well. I’d rather walk away now and hope like hell we still have the friendship. Although in thinking about it, he’s got to think I’m completely insane. Which most likely, I am. I can’t explain what goes on in my mind that makes me do 180’s at any given moment.
How does anyone deal with me? I can’t even deal with me.
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| trouble |
| 04.25.04 (10:39 pm) [edit] |
Have you ever had one of those really weird feelings like something was going to happen and you’re waiting for it, but you don’t even know what it is? I’m feeling restless, unsettled, like I need to DO something, change something…I just don’t know.
I think I’m bored….what will I do about that? Logic tells me to do nothing about it and be happy with the boredom I’ve so longed for forever. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I wanted boredom, normalcy and I’ve got it. Now what?
Am I really all that different than I was 12 years ago? Am I really all that different than I was 5 years ago? I know I’m different than I was 2 years ago, but two years ago I wasn’t myself and it’s good to have changed from that. But what have I changed to? Have I changed back into who I was or into someone new altogether? Or am I just pretending to have changed at all, fooling myself into believing I can change?
Three hours later, I’ve finished my conversation with myself. LOL and my conversation with others. I will never change. I love trouble too much. It’s what I am, what I’m meant to be, what I will always find. And it’s also what I am bound to prevent in others. Consider the trouble over. I thought I needed others for this, but I realized I don’t. Done. Well, give me a week if you want to get technical. Then done.
Ahhhhh, it’s always nice to figure out what your place in the world is. Trouble is what I’m all about. A good trouble though. LOL Uh huh…suuuuurrrreeeee.
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| chromie |
| 04.24.04 (9:41 pm) [edit] |
Listen up.
Twelve years ago, we had nothing to lose. Where we were was a combination of rebellion, save the world syndrome, misplaced ideals and just plain not thinking. Now, was it the experience of a lifetime, sure it was. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But I also wouldn’t go back there for the world either….unless I could go back in time, back in time, back in time…. LOL Anyway…it’s not all good with you right now. You’ve gotten yourself right back where we were twelve years ago and we know how that ended up. And they aren't Eric. They are more like bug-eyes or what-his-name, Eli’s nephew. There is no honor among thieves anymore. Eric was a throw back to the times we believed in, not the norm.
You have too much to lose to be where you are right now. Get out of that situation ASAP. Call it a hunch, you’ll lose more than you can ever regain if you don’t.
You know I’ll be here for you. I don’t like where you are or what’s going on or how your life is right now, but I’m here and I will help where I can. Get them out of your life, trust me on this. Please. To let you know a little more how much I think it needs to change….I bitch about you and your life right now as much as you did when I was drinking all the time and spent my nights drunk and my days hung over. I’m as worried about you now as you were me then. Don’t take as long as I did to figure out that’s not where you want to be.
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| just thinking |
| 04.22.04 (6:11 pm) [edit] |
What is it I feel tonight? I don’t even know it’s a mix of so many things. I keep flipping through the radio stations looking for the songs that fit my mood and just can’t seem to find them. Not exactly anyway. I keep finding songs that send me back in time and make me remember certain moments in my life. Times I felt love, happiness, sadness, hurt, freedom, loneliness. I listen to music so much that there are songs I associate with times in my life.
Like the song Give Me One Reason by Tracy Chapman. That song was on the radio constantly at a time in my life it was so fitting for me. I was moving from Ohio to Florida to join my then husband and really did not want to go. I knew even then my marriage was doomed and wanted out and was dying for someone to give me a reason to not go. I think my brother in law picked up on me not wanting to go because every time that song came on during the drive down, I cranked it and shushed him so I could listen to it. After about the 50th time he was ready to shoot me or the radio I’m sure.
And when my divorce was finally going to court and being finalized there was that country song…dammit what is the name of that song? The one where he has to choose between fishing and her and goes fishing…that was my theme song. LOL I had flipped on the radio on my way to court and was thinking…ok this is my divorce song whatever it is and it turned out to be that song. It was so fitting.
Maybe that’s what I’m looking for tonight…my current theme song. That song that just fits my life and strikes a chord in me. Sometimes I hear a song and don’t even listen to the words right off but for some reason it just sticks with me and when I finally sit and listen to the words it ends up fitting. I sometimes find the song before I even know what I’m thinking or feeling. I need a theme song. The closest I have is My Immortal and that doesn’t quite fit…even though I love that song. Guess I’ll just keep listening and hoping one comes on the radio.
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| oh and... |
| 04.21.04 (6:36 am) [edit] |
Some additional thoughts. I’m not going to ask him to move. Why should he give up everything he’s worked hard for and wanted and his family? He shouldn’t. I can’t claim to be worth that. I can’t guarantee anything. He deserves to have everything he wants in life as much as I do.
Maybe given time, circumstances will change and make things clearer or easier. Although, I don’t put much stock in that thought anymore. My optimism is wearing thin.
Or maybe we just have to let go and assume some things were just not meant to be. God, I hate that thought. But I really think I reached the end of my optimism. Someone needs to be optimistic for me, because I just can’t be right now.
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| why aren't decisions easy? |
| 04.21.04 (6:26 am) [edit] |
Let me find a train of thought and go with it. I have a few of them this morning, even though they all seem to end up at the same place. It all comes down to the fact that one way or another I have to give up something I want to have something else I want. I keep trying my best not to even think about it, but I can’t avoid it forever, can I? Although I try anyway. Sigh, ok enough avoiding. I’ve weighed my options over and over again, gone back and forth on my conclusion so many times, but I know what the conclusion is going to be.
Here’s the whole story, maybe someone else has some thoughts or ideas to add. I can’t move again, not even for the sake of a relationship that I really, really want. I don’t want to have to decide that yet, but I feel like I should decide so that things don’t continue under the wrong pretences. I’ve been over it so many times in my mind and have come close to making moving work for me, but in reality, it just doesn’t. One, I think it’s too early to be making long term, life changing decisions. Two, logically, I have everything I want here except one thing. Here I have good schools for my kids, a good school for me to finish my degree, family close by(which I’ve waited years upon years to have), a nice place to live, good neighbors, good neighborhood. And even with all my rationalizing skills, I can’t find a way to make it right to give all that up. It’s not even about not wanting my relationship enough, because I wouldn’t give up what I have here for pretty much anything. Not a good job, not a free house, not a ton of money, nothing. I’ve wanted what I have right now way too long and way too much to walk away from it. It comes down to two things, one I have done this, I’ve gotten myself here and made it work and two, family. I’ve moved around so much for so many reasons and I like the security and comfort having family close by brings me. It’s good for me, good for my kids and I don’t want to lose it, even if it means giving up something else.
I hope it doesn’t mean that. I’d love to have everything I want, who wouldn’t? But a part of my stability now is accepting the consequences for my decisions and actions. Not every choice I make is going to be easy, but I have to stick with what is good for me and good for my kids. And I have to trust myself to know what that is. I’ve had a bad habit of not listening to myself in the past, that’s changed. Too many times I’ve gone against my better judgement because I let someone else talk me into things I knew weren’t a good idea or at least not the best idea for me. There are +’s and –‘s to every decision. I just have to have faith in myself that for once, I’ll start making the right choices. At least I’ve made a step in the right direction and started making choices instead of avoiding them until there was no choice.
I really hate life sometimes. I hate hard choices. I hate thinking too much. I hate it when it feels like nothing is ever going to go completely my way, that I’ll never have the things I want in life. And I really hate knowing that that is just life.
:?
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| blogging just to blog |
| 04.19.04 (10:54 am) [edit] |
Wow it’s been almost a week since I blogged last. Not sure how that happened. Guess I just haven’t had much to write about. Or maybe just not much I felt the need to write about. Oddly enough, I still don’t really feel the need to vent my thoughts, but I can’t go too long without blogging, sheesh, I am addicted to it.
I didn’t go to my doctor’s appt last week, it’s rescheduled for the 28th this month. That was frustrating but there was no getting around it. I’m too annoyed with my whole body right now to even discuss it. Let’s just say them cutting parts out is looking better every day. GGGRRRRR.
My kids and I spent the weekend at MH’s house. It was fun, relaxing, pleasant, enjoyable….I could go on but ya get the point. It’s probably pathetic, but I missed him about as soon as I left.
Hmmmm, a boring blog but at least it’s something. I hate to neglect my poor lil blog. I’d write more but I’m just not stressed or irritated or anything that needs venting. I’m very mellow and relaxed.
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| sleepy pointless babbling |
| 04.13.04 (3:26 pm) [edit] |
So, what is on my mind today? Not much of anything or is it a lot of everything? A bit of both, I believe. I’m tired, so coherent thoughts are few and far between, but there are a lot of them when the kick in and decide to make some sense.
Tomorrow is my doctor’s appt that I’m dreading completely. At least for the most part, I’m not stressing about it, and I will try to not stress at least until I know the results and if I have reason to stress. I’m feeling better today. I think cutting out the coffee for a day has done me some good, except for the really tired part. I’m so going to try and get some real sleep tonight instead of being on the phone until 1 or 2 or 3 in the morning. That’s the plan anyway, let’s hope sleep actually happens.
It’s been a thoughtful few days for me. Most of them relating to MH, he has that effect on me. It was odd this weekend to realize that his bad moods don’t phase me in the least. Of course, I prefer him happy, but for some reason him being in a bad mood did not distress me in any way. I look back at my other relationships and even my friendships and so often the other person’s bad mood really had a huge impact on me. Either it made me mad, or it stressed me out, or it made me feel really uncomfortable, or it put me into “fix it” mode. That didn’t happen this time. It made me a bit sad to see him stressed and in a bad mood, but he has reason to be and I can’t do anything about that and was content to just be there during the bad mood. No stress, no anger, no uncomfortableness, no unreasonable expectations of myself to fix it. So, even in his stress, I still feel peaceful and relaxed. That’s different. It’s nice.
Why am I so sure of things? To me it just seems obvious and simple…well ok maybe not simple, but still obvious. It’s not as much about being in love…although I am completely…it’s about being with that person that even if you happen to fall out of love with, you still love. Ok, maybe I’m just too tired to explain it because I’ve tried explaining it 600 times now and have deleted them all because nothing quite sums it up right. Maybe words can’t explain it…all I know is how it feels and that’s enough for me.
It’s not being caught up in a storm of emotions, it’s being in the eye of the storm looking out, feeling the power of the storm, but remaining almost untouched by it, yet surrounded by it. It’s knowing that the storm won’t tear you apart and drop you, but it will carry you to new places you’ve never been and back again. And if you accept all that a storm is, good and bad, you can fly forever.
Sigh, even that doesn’t quite sum it up, but it’s as close as I’ve come today. Maybe some sleep will clear my mind and make the words come that will explain it all. Ok, not likely, but it’s a hope. I hate not being able to put my thoughts into words. :?
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| Happy Easter |
| 04.11.04 (9:55 am) [edit] |
Hope everyone is having a good Easter. Mine is...well...going. Ex-mother in law, ya know. I suppose it could be worse, better her than the ex. LOL And at least she takes alot of nice pictures of the kids.
Only have a few minutes to write right now, but I keep getting lost in thought today. I'll have to write those more in depth later if I get a chance.
Really, really, really missing MH today. Everytime I think I can't miss him more, I manage. Everytime I think I can fall any farther, I do. I'd complain, but it's really not so bad a feeling. Except maybe the missing part, but even that could be worse.
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| Determination |
| 04.10.04 (9:39 am) [edit] |
Everything happens for a reason, right? That’s the theory anyway and I’m very fond of it. Maybe we will never know the reasons why things happen, but I think there is always a reason. The reason I like that theory is because it makes sense of all the events in life that otherwise just seem to make no sense at all. And it reminds me to actually learn from my mistakes and the challenges I’ve faced in life. I’ll search for the reason until I find one and if I don’t find one I file it away to search again later in life. Every lesson, every trial serves a purpose. Sometimes though, it gets tiring always learning. Can I take a vacation from life’s little lessons for a while? No, I suppose I can’t. So, the search for meaning continues.
Damn I miss MH today. He’s stressed and bummed, I’m stressed and bummed and just really wish I was with him right now. I’d drive up there but noooo my ex-mother in law is coming to visit. Find the good reason behind that because I sure as hell can’t right now. Oh and that’s just bitterness talking. It’s good for the kids and all that and I know that and blah.
Just once though, I’d like my life to be simple. I’d like things to go my way. And dammit, I’m going to find a way to make that happen. One way or another, I will accomplish what I want in life and I will have all I want and that is all there is to it. And even though life is not really cooperating right now, it will. Anytime I’ve actually set my mind to something, I’ve accomplished it. I wanted kids and a marriage, I got that. I wanted a divorce and to move home, I did that. I wanted to be able to stay home with my kids til my youngest was in school and I’m doing that (5 months to go). I wanted to move to live by family, I did that. Each of those at one point looked impossible for me to do. All of them turned out to be very possible and I managed them. Therefore as impossible as things seem now, I will manage them. I will have my degree, my job, my relationship. Not necessarily in that order. In fact, most likely not in that order.
If life really wanted to mess with me, it made one fatal error, it’s done pissed me off now. I’ve had it with all the crap and it’s made me more determined than ever.
As determined as I am, I'm going to go throw up now. Damn, being sick sucks. :roll:
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| what's wrong with being anti-social anyway? |
| 04.08.04 (9:50 am) [edit] |
What shall I bitch about today? So many choices. My ex wants to take the kids for a month or more this summer. Ok, glad he wants to get involved and get to know them, that’s good. But me without my kids for a month???? I don’t like being away from them for more than a weekend let alone a month. Well, I guess the bright side is once the moron figures out how much child care costs and realizes he still has to pay me full child support anyway, he will most likely not take them more than a week. And even if he does…well it will be very interesting to see how it goes. And he had the nerve to tell me I should be happy to get away from them for a whole month and to get a life. Wow. God forbid I actually love my kids and enjoy being with them all the time. What an ass.
Speaking of asses. Chromegirl’s man ranks as a major one. She and him had it out the past couple of days. She told him I told her what he had said, he not only denied it, he called her a liar saying she was making it up, then when that didn’t work, he called me all sorts of names. You know, some people are a waste of good air. I really hope she is done with him because she deserves a helluva lot better than that slime. He’s caused her way more trouble than he could ever be worth. I’d be more pissed at him right now for calling me names and accusing me of lying and whatever else he said, but some people really aren’t worth the effort. Manipulative, psycho, depraved moron is what he is. Hmmmm, that’s the first time I’ve ever called anyone depraved….he really fits the bill though.
I think it’s just a people suck day. One of those days that makes me wonder why I wanted to stop being anti-social.
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| the nature of disillusionment...random ponderings |
| 04.07.04 (1:07 pm) [edit] |
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Disillusionment, is it a gradual development of understanding or a sudden burst of enlightenment? Does it happen because we set our ideals too high? Is it wrong to believe in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves? Hmmm maybe. How wrong can it be because sometime your belief in someone may be a reason they find to believe in themselves. So, how much disillusionment, disappointment does it take before a person stops believing? Sometime, it takes a whole lot. Is that stupid or just hopeful? The bright side would call it hopeful. (Although stupid is probably a more accurate word.) When you feel the illusion fading, do you cling to it or let it go? What is behind the mirrors? Is there anything or is everything just a part of the illusion? The only way to know is to stop looking with eyes that want to only see what is believed, and start looking with eyes that see what is actually there. It may be a whole new world out there.
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| rant and rave just because I can |
| 04.06.04 (3:17 pm) [edit] |
Today has become an official rant and rave day. Besides my bad morning, then I did my budget which I might as well just not bothered since it doesn’t work. Then my kids wanted the training wheels off their bikes, so I spent an hour or so chasing bikes which was fun, however it got interrupted as usual by neighborhood kids. One neighbor boy lives two doors down in my townhouse so the yard is technically his too so I can’t say much. Which I suppose isn’t too bad considering he’s usually pretty well-behaved. Then another neighbor boy lives behind me and plays in my yard, he usually behaves ok and his mom or step-dad watch him try and keep an eye on him. Then come the problem children. Two boys who’s mom just drops them off in my yard. Supposedly to be watched by the same one who doesn’t watch the two door down boy. And they are BRATS with all capitals. This is the second time this mom has done this and it will be the last. Being the mom I am I cannot in good conscience leave kids out in my yard, especially with my kids out there too, unsupervised. I trust my kids, have learned to deal with the two neighbor boys but these two new kids….ggggggrrrrrrr. This will be the last time those kids are left in my yard if I have anything to say about it. One is in first grade the other is 4 and they leave them there with no one around!!! The mom does not ask if I mind, she just assumes someone who never even leaves their house, does not even look out the window will watch them and takes another first graders word on that and doesn’t even ask the supposed babysitter herself. Last time I was outside and the girls and I were building snowmen along with a few other of the neighbor kids and these two kids destroyed them when I went in for a minute. I damn near decked the kid. He had my daughter near tears over it. Now granted, this time just my presence kept them in line because I had discussed his destroying the snowman with him last time, think he’s a bit afraid of me now…which is good, the brat should be. Having three kids, I’ve developed patience with kids, it’s the parents I have issues with. I can’t even imagine leaving a 7 and 4 year old unsupervised in someone’s yard. Although it seems she only does it when I’m out there, at least that I’ve noticed, but you know, freaking ASK me! If I knew the parent wanted me to be responsible I would be, it’s the in between of there they are, who the hell is in charge I’ve got problems with. Last time it was supposedly a quick trip across the street to the store, an hour and a half later….she gets her kids. Then this time she just wandered off. And you can tell she feels uncomfortable with it because she refuses to look me in the eye and sneaks away when I’m not looking at her. It’s ridiculous. Once is ok, twice is a little too close to a trend, one that will end. I was left in my yard with 8 kids today…my three, one neighbor I said I’d watch, one neighbor who I have no choice over, another neighbor girl who just stopped by and is sweet as can be and two bratty boys. That’s 4 I accept responsibility for, one who lives close and is no trouble ever, one who I have no choice over and two that are not going to be here again if I have my way. There’s only one of me….how many kids do these parents think I can handle?? Now, put me in charge and let the kids know it, and I can handle 8, but when they think they don’t have to listen to me there’s going to be trouble. You come in my yard…you play by my rules. And yes, this is a decidedly long rant about something that really is not a huge deal but if I don’t vent I am gonna go off on one of these parents. The mom of the brats sounds good, I’d love to hunt that woman down right now. GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR.
Deep breath…in with the good…out with the bad…..another…..another…..ok I think I feel better now.
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| blogging just to blog |
| 04.06.04 (7:02 am) [edit] |
I really hate mornings. I woke up 2 minutes after I should have left to take kids to school today and they weren’t up either. I must say though, they did great getting ready quickly. They have those stupid assessment tests that stress most kids out and don’t tell you much besides who paid attention during the test and really did not need to be late to school today. Luckily, they are usually early, so between that and getting ready quickly, they were at school on time. They are so going to starve by lunchtime though. Been ages since they’ve not eaten breakfast. Wellllll….what’s a mom to do? Late to school or no breakfast? It was one of those times I wish I had pop tarts to hand them in the car. That’s so going on the grocery list.
Oh this morning gets better and better. I hate it when the electricity goes out for no reason. Now, I’ve got to reset all the clocks and reprogram VCRs. GGGRRRRRR. I should have just stayed in bed this morning. I’m thinking I might just go back to bed. Ugh!
Only problem with that is I have the strange urge to go shopping…for clothes. Why is that I wonder? LOL Oh never mind, at least I still don’t like pink and frilly.
:roll: :lol:
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| blah blah blah |
| 04.04.04 (2:49 pm) [edit] |
I forgot Easter was next weekend. How can I forget that? Oh, ok, being non-religious, it’s all about the chocolate and bunnies and baskets, but still…I really should have realized it was NEXT weekend. The only reason I realized it is because my ex-mother in law emailed me and said she has next weekend off and wanted to see the kids. So, I have two options, one let her come here and see them and spend a weekend with her or two take the kids to her and not have them Easter morning to give them their baskets and bunnies and chocolate. I love baskets, bunnies and chocolate and kids covered in chocolate before they’ve even had breakfast. So, I guess I’ll invite her here and just deal with that. I know the kids want to see her and she’s really not that bad, just feels odd considering I divorced her son and all. Ugh will these situations ever get easier? Well, it could be worse I suppose. At least the ex isn’t coming too. (Knocking on wood there just in case….)
Well, at least I spent all this weekend cleaning just because it needed it. My laundry is entirely done and put away, my dishes are all clean, I cooked, I vacuumed, I was all domesticated. Blah. All that’s left is kids doing homework and getting them cleaned. How thrilling, eh? I’m off to be productive and blah. Go me.
:roll:
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| blah |
| 04.03.04 (11:01 am) [edit] |
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I’m not sure what I’m thinking or feeling today. That’s unusual because usually one feeling or thought really stands out as the theme of the day. I think I’m in a shut it all out and avoid it mood. I’ve got the underlying current of the month of waiting to find out if it’s cancer and all that it will imply if it is. As much as I try not to think about it, it has some consequences that I’d really rather not happen and it worries me on how I will deal with it if it does happens. I don’t even think about it in depth much, it’s just a constant underlying tension. And since I have no choice but to wait and not think about it because there’s no point to think about it, I am in avoidance mode. Although, to my credit, I did talk to chromegirl about some things I hadn’t told her about the conversation I had with her man. I feel so much better having told her even though it was really hard to do. They aren’t a couple or anything but pretty much a couple, but it was difficult because he hit on me. It was really wrong of him to do and it put me in a very awkward position. But she and I have been friends for a long time and she needed to know as hard as it was to tell her. So, I’m not completely avoiding everything. I think I’m going with the theory of hey…I dealt with something today, I can call it a day now. Yep, that sounds good. Especially since I’m not even sure what else it is I have to deal with. Just a lot of underlying tension in me right now.
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| I think too much |
| 04.02.04 (6:03 am) [edit] |
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So I talked to my friend chromegirl’s man last night. He’s the one with really confusing sexuality issues, beyond what I will ever cover in a blog. I did my best to make him feel like a not so odd functioning member of society, but I’m not sure I really bought it. I think during the conversation I was ok because I was feeling very mellow and laid back. Yet, in hindsight, I think the word creepy might sum it up. I’m ok with him, his life, his choices…as long as I don’t have to hear about it except maybe through how it affects chromegirl. I did not think I’d have any issues being his friend, regardless of any oddness he might have, but I’ve found that maybe I’m not quite as open-minded as I thought. Although that’s not quite being fair to myself, I don’t think. I am ok with him, just don’t want him in my life beyond association with one of my friends…does that make me not open-minded? I’m not sure on that. I guess I’ll have to accept it if it does, because I can’t accept being his friend when I really can’t relate to him and am pretty much creeped out by things he finds normal in life. Acquaintance, I’m fine with, friends…ummmm no. I think I’m writing about it because I am surprised by my reaction to it all. I’ve never ruled anyone out as a friend before. But I just really can’t imagine talking to him again since the things that creep me out are the ones he always talks about. It’s a huge part of who he is as a person and I don’t expect him to change that just because I happen to not like it. I just am not sure if I’m right or wrong to feel this way and that bothers me. I think it’s ok because I’m not doing anything to hurt his feelings or judge him, I’m just deciding that his life is not one I want to be around for personal reasons. I know it’d probably make more sense if I could say why, but that would be too much information for the internet world. Sigh, I guess this is just one of those things. Right or wrong, I feel how I feel.
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| Funnies |
| 04.01.04 (7:57 pm) [edit] |
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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| Trust, respect, hope |
| 04.01.04 (3:25 pm) [edit] |
It’s hard to trust sometimes. I’m actually amazed that I even can trust anymore. So many people have broken my trust in the past. I didn’t give trust indiscriminately, I don’t think. I think the problem with it was, those I gave my trust to didn’t have enough respect for me to want to keep my trust. And to further analyze that, I think the reason they didn’t have enough respect for me was I had no respect for myself. I put that in the past tense now. I think once I stressed, panicked and imagined every worse case scenario imaginable I reached a very valid conclusion. I can not control what other people do. I can only control what I do. So simple, yet sometimes, so hard to remember. I can’t keep anyone from betraying my trust, yet I can be deserving of trust. I can’t keep anyone from ever hurting me again, I can only keep myself from hurting others in every way I can. I can’t guarantee I will never make any mistakes, that’d be impossible. All I can do is try.
The reason I’m thinking all this is it’s MH’s go to the bar with friends night. And I trust him. My last experience with trusting a boyfriend did not really go well at all. I really never thought I could trust again. I thought I’d be a fool if I did. And yet here I am, peacefully trusting. No stress, no panic, just pure faith in someone. Maybe I’m a fool, but I refuse to believe that I will never find someone deserving of my trust. Therefore the only way to know is to trust. I suppose only time will tell.
FAITH IS….WHEN YOU COME TO THE EDGE OF ALL THAT YOU KNOW AND ALL THAT IS LIGHT AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU STEP OFF INTO THE DARKNESS, THERE WILL EITHER BE SOMETHING TO STAND ON, OR YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO FLY. ~ a favorite quote of mine, not sure where from
I refuse to stop having faith in people. I won’t trust those who have destroyed my trust in them (which take a whole helluva lot by the way), but I will always trust those who have never given me any reason not to, especially those that have given me every reason to trust them.
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