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| coffee and tylenol and musings |
| 05.20.04 (6:47 pm) [edit] |
So I hear I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. The classic cliché. Unfortunately, it’s based on the assumption I’m actually looking for love, which I’m not. Damn if I thought I was jaded before, I was sadly mistaken. I never knew the depths to which jaded could go. I’ve always had walls. I think at some point in time I dropped those walls and that could be why I can end up as jaded as I am. When you let people in the only result is pain. Yes, there are some good things to come of it, but in the end there is only the hurt. Why is it the good things that happen don’t leave the lasting impression that the hurt does? I’ll ponder that point some other time.
I’m at an odd point in my emotional life I believe. I’ve dropped all the walls before, been burned, rebuilt them, dropped them again, been hurt etc etc etc. Although last time, I guess I wasn’t actually hurt, just disillusioned. The point is, right now, I’ve got more walls then I’ve ever had before and don’t plan on ever letting them down again. Except this time, I acknowledge that I still feel. I haven’t turned the emotions off. I still love, I still get angry, hurt, scared, happy, sad, etc. The difference now is, I am choosing which emotions to share and when and exactly how much. I'm completely in control of them all. No drama, no extremes, just emotions here and there, some shared, some not.
I’ve changed in another way too. People think I will just sit back and take shit. Nope, I did learn that lesson, it gets you no where. Oh sure people sit back and say oh she’s so sweet and oh how patient. Or they sit back and think wow what a dumb ass. C is my final answer, Regis. No more taking shit. Hell, if people want to think or say crap about me anyway, might as well give them reason to. I guess that just goes back to being jaded in essence though doesn’t it? Ah well, such is life.
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| Is life this confusing for everyone or is it just me? |
| 05.11.04 (6:12 am) [edit] |
I’ve come to the conclusion I am the worst judge of people. The absolute worst. It’s not just boyfriends I misjudge, it’s all people. I cling to that stupid belief that everyone is basically good at heart and that’s where I am so damn wrong. I look at myself and I know what kind of person I am, and it’s not always pretty. I can be selfish, I can be cruel. I also know the reasons I can be that way. I do it to protect myself from hurt. What I don’t understand is the people who can be like that without that reasoning. Then I think along another line. Sometimes being nice does no one any favors. What kind of friend am I to someone when I let them do whatever without saying “hey maybe that’s not the best idea.” Then again, who I am to tell anyone else how to live or what to do or what decisions to make? I don’t like anyone presuming to tell me what is right or wrong for me to do in my life and therefore don’t often do that to anyone else. How can anyone give advice when no one walks in anyone else’s shoes and therefore can never truly understand the entire situation and all the feelings involved?
I got off the subject there. I was discussing my judgement in people. See, I tend to trust everyone to a point. But I am not one to trust someone with a lot of knowledge about me and my life very easily. And it just seems to me that anyone I have trusted with that knowledge has either used it against me or hurt me with it. Now, maybe that’s just life, but it seems to me that there is just something really wrong with my judgement to have that happen time and time again.
I guess the question is now, what am I going to do about it? Do I just isolate myself and not trust anyone ever again or do I give people the chance to hurt me more? Doesn’t that seem like a catch 22? Isolation is never fun and can be painful at times and yet trusting the wrong people isn’t fun and can be painful too.
Is life this confusing for everyone or is it just me?
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| a few song lyrics |
| 05.09.04 (7:49 am) [edit] |
NICKELBACK LYRICS
"Someday"
How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables
I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late
Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
[Solo]
How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror
Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL
Artist: Ronan Keating
It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me when ever I fall
You say it best..when you say nothing at all
All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd (the crowd)
Try as they may they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine
CHORUS X 2
(You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..)
The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me..
CHORUS
(You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..)
The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me..
(You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all..)
Patti Smyth With Don Henley - Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough
Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.
(Chorus)
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
(Chorus)
And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No.
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| .... |
| 05.02.04 (7:16 pm) [edit] |
I should be off to bed since I’m almost outta cigs and have to wait til morning to get them, but I think I need to write to sort my thoughts out. I feel very odd and not myself and I’m trying to figure out why. No, that’s not entirely true. I know why. I just don’t know what to do about it. I’ve shut myself off, turned the emotions to hidden, and have said fuck the world.
I told myself I wasn’t going to do this again. I wasn’t going to run from my feelings. It was so normal and healthy to feel them and deal with them. Why is it then that I ran so completely from them with no more than a moment’s notice? And as soon as I typed that I knew the answer. I lost hope, lost my faith in love, realized there will never be a happily ever after and so it was easier to just not feel than to face that kind of disappointment. I’m so tired of disappointment.
I’ve realized I will never be happy in life. I will never have that relationship I’ve always wanted. I’m not capable of it. And no one will have the patience or understanding to deal with me. I think I am just going to accept that I will always be alone and deal with it and move on. No point in trying for what you know you will never have. Better to just work with what is, and that is me, alone, not giving a shit.
Am I just depressed? Most likely. Something had to balance out the happiness I felt not so long ago. Before long it will even out and I will be somewhere in the middle until something else comes along to upset the balance. But I’m not going to let it be so easy to upset the balance anymore. If someone wants to know me, they will have to work for it…besides those that already know me, of course, can’t take back that knowledge now can I?
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| blah |
| 05.02.04 (4:47 pm) [edit] |
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I’m in a bad mood today. I don’t even know why. I just am. Tired, irritable, stressed, anxious. It is just one of those days when I feel incredibly worn out and drained for no apparent reason. I’m worried about my friends who have important days tomorrow. I’m stressed because my kids are sick and I don’t get it, fine one minute, not good the next, not sure what to do with them. It’s like every positive thing I’ve ever felt has just disappeared. I know it’s just a mood, it will pass. I’m just worrying about too many things right now. As they all get resolved it will get better. One day at a time, one minute at a time. In with the good, out with the bad. Keep on swimming, keep on swimming. Blah.
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