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| just venting |
| 06.30.04 (7:53 am) [edit] |
I know I need to vent and I don’t even know where to begin. My kids are in Florida, I’m back from visiting my sister in NYC, my cat came home then disappeared again, I haven’t found a job yet. Things just really aren’t going my way right now. I know if I don’t start venting, I’m eventually going to breakdown completely. My ex is a freaking moron. He keeps trying to tell me how much the girls are misbehaving, he’s had nothing good to say about them. And he says it while they are still right there in hearing range. Why is it everyone I know and meet, family, neighbors, teachers, everyone, thinks my girls are angels and incredible except their own dad? Doesn’t he realize they are vying for his attention that they never get? That they are missing home tons and might just be a bit stressed and maybe he could try being understanding a bit more? No, he’d rather yell at me every time I call to talk to the girls and blame me for their behavior. Because you know, I’m a terrible parent or something. He can just take a fucking flying leap. I’m doing fairly well not letting it get to me, too, not that it seems that way, but I am. I realize he needs to blame me for his failures as a parent and that he really doesn’t know them enough to judge them like he is. I’ve had too much positive feedback from people on my parenting (even my ex’s mom thinks I’m great) to let his idiotic opinion get me down. It does irritate the living daylights out of me though.
I’m just so stressed out right now. I had my stupid doctor’s appointment yesterday, glad it’s finally done. I have 1-2 weeks before I find out if it’s cancer or if I will need any further treatment. Not that that is on my mind at all. LOL I’m here in an empty house, stressing about everything known to mankind with no real solution in sight to anything. There is no way to get results quicker, no way to get my kids home early, no way to just poof find a job (trying a temp agency, signed up today), no way to make money appear and go out and do anything, no way to make the moron ex wake up and be a proper parent.
I’d really like to just sit down and cry and get all of it out, but I can’t. It’s like I need just one more thing to push me to it. I told myself I would get through this all just fine, and I will. I also know that crying and getting some of the stress out is not a bad thing and at this point would be really helpful.
I’m supposed to go to a party Saturday (my neighbors, not really going anywhere except outside) and I don’t even feel like it. Then my cousin’s having a party on Monday for his son’s birthday and the 4th of July parade and I so would love to think of some excuse not to go. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, being around anyone, doing much of anything. I have of course, spent time with the aunt and uncle when I got back from NYC, went to my doctor’s appt., signed up with the temp agency. I’m making myself do things but it’s not easy. And yes, I know, it’s called depression, but it’s only a temporary thing. I can and will get through the next few weeks and I will be better for it. One day at a time is the way to go right now.
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| and life changes... |
| 06.21.04 (7:30 am) [edit] |
I so need to start packing. I’m leaving for NYC tomorrow. My kids have one babysitter Tuesday and Wednesday, another Thursday and Friday, then the ex picks them up on Friday. Then they are gone until the 17th or 24th of July…damn I hate the ex and his lack of solid dates. I have so much to do and here I am sitting around drinking coffee and trying not to think about it. I leave first thing tomorrow morning. I have to get everything ready. I think a part of me is still in denial of everything. The kids being gone for that long. Me flying to NYC to help my sister move. It’s so different than anything I’ve ever done. I don’t get week-long trips by myself. I don’t leave my kids with babysitters that long, mainly because I’ve never had anyone to do that with me feeling comfortable about it.
Does anyone realized that this is terrifying for me? I’ll do fine and get through it well, I know that. It’s just going to be that initial shock tomorrow morning of actually starting on all these plans and changes. I try not to worry about all the things that can go wrong, but a few things keep popping into my mind. Especially that the moronic ex won’t actually come pick up the kids and will change plans yet again. I really think I’d lose it on him. But hopefully, he’ll actually follow through on his plans this time. I just have to believe that he will otherwise I will never get on that plane to NYC. It’s bad enough leaving my kids a few days earlier than I have to. I think that’s one reason I put everything off so long, like packing. If I’m busy and things are hectic, I have less time to dwell on that fact. There won’t be a really teary-eyed leaving in the morning because it will be fairly early and I’ll be rushing getting the last minute things done.
And then, when I get back next week, I’ll have an empty house and have to figure out then what to do and will probably have a temporary breakdown missing the kids. But, then I will shake it off and move on and hang in there until they get back.
And all in all, the extra time with the kids before they left has been wonderful. We’ve kept busy with parks, COSI, zoo trips and backyard playing with neighborhood kids. It’s been great and fun and really made me appreciate having them around and take advantage of having them here.
Everything happens for a reason, eh?
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| blogged down |
| 06.15.04 (8:42 pm) [edit] |
Oh where to start. I’ve being living in a blog void. All blogged out. Blogged down even. Ok done with those, on to life as I know it…
The Moron, aka kids dad, ex-husband, asshole etc, cancelled last minute on his plans to take the kids for a month. Then rescheduled. It was madness, chaos, frustration incarnate. I can’t even vent about it properly because I’m still in such frustration over it.
I dread the day the kids actually do leave…if they do which knowing him is never certain. I’ve never been kidless for more than a week. What will I do for a whole month. Just tonight, kids sleeping I realized how empty life will be without them around. It’s like a constant awareness of them. I know where they are, what they are doing, who’s eaten, who’s grouchy, who’s sleeping, who woke up late and is going to be trouble come bedtime, who was up late and is going to sleep in or be grouchy waking up early. All those little things that make up life with kids. It can be exhausting, but I took one night off in the past 6 months or so and am fine again. I don’t want to go that long without them. And yes, I know it will be good for all of us in theory. Too dependent or something. I like to think more along the lines of I just love them to pieces and am going to miss them terribly. I give them space, I get mine and we’re fine as is, why must that change. Oh yeah, they have a moron for a dad that I’d regret ever meeting if it weren’t for ending up with them. He doesn’t deserve them, he proves that every day and will probably do more to prove it when he has them. Oh, I know he loves them, but he can’t show it worth a damn. Oh screw it, I’m wasting time venting about an unchangeable frustrating thing.
I’m so stressed and life just seems to be changing accordingly. I just can’t tolerate anything anymore. I blow up at anyone who even slightly annoys me where I used to have some type of patience. I just don’t care who likes it or not. I cannot deal with anymore idiotic people than my ex right now. One moron driving me crazy is plenty for the time being. I’d expect people to understand that but I guess some people won’t. Especially after years of me being in the habit of avoiding my problems by dealing with others, now I take time for my things first. Silly me. Especially after all the years of not doing it, it feels I have more issues than most sometimes. I’ll deal and move on and that is life.
I know, not my most coherent or purposeful blog in the world, but a nice change from nothing.
And useful on a night where sleep is long in coming.
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