Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2005 August
2005 July
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
My Links
Lynne's TBlog
HevenlyShades TBlog
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| SSDD |
| 07.27.04 (8:05 pm) [edit] |
I’ve got that borderline anxiety feeling right now. That if I let myself think for too long is going to become full-fledged anxiety. I feel frustrated and stressed with no reason to actually pinpoint, but a thousand reasons to sort through.
Things seem to be getting back to same shit, different day. It all feels so familiar but it’s not really relaxing in its familiarity. My test results for cancer were negative, which was great news, but not quite the relief I was expecting because there seems to be still a problem in how I feel. I don’t really want to get into that though. I’m just sitting back hoping that it will go away and the last procedure actually will help and that’ll be the end of it. The kids have returned which is so very wonderful. I really didn’t do too much while they were gone. I just didn’t need the stress relief of getting out and didn’t really have the funds to do it anyway. I’m so happy to have them back. They are so much a part of me, and my life everyday.
I go soon to enroll in courses in college to try and finish my degree sometime this century. I think it will be an adjustment getting back into school, but I am looking forward to it very much. I need that to focus on and help me direct my life where I want it to go. I’m looking forward to the work. It’s for me, on my time, to help my goals. I’ve needed that for a while now. I feel college this time will be a lot easier for me. I study, I do the work, I learn, I succeed. It’s so cut and dry and simple. Always before, there was too much to get in the way of that simple focus. Now, I simply can not wait for the simplicity of it. There are no complications like there are in everyday human interaction. It’s just me books and maybe the occasional teacher. Now, of course, financial aid is always a pain, but even that seems preferable to me right now. I think I’m just seeking the isolation with the focus and reason of pursuing my goals. I’m just feeling so worn down right now. I think school will give me the fulfillment I seek.
|
|
|
| |
| alone in a crowd...and loving it |
| 07.08.04 (3:05 pm) [edit] |
I just read a very good book. Mary Reilly by Valerie Martin. It’s the Jekyll and Hyde story from a different perspective, that of Jekyll’s housemaid. It takes the same premise as the original Jekyll and Hyde, exploring the good and evil side of people, to another level. The book really set me to thinking on the subject.
We all face the darker sides of ourselves at times. Some people hide from that side of themselves. Others accept that aspect too willingly and believe that is all that is in them. As in everything, moderation is the key. Neither extreme will ever be a solution. There is both good and bad in everyone. I think the answer lies in accepting that there exists bad in ourselves, but the decision to act on that bad is in us. Just because it exists does not make it who we are unless we choose that option.
There have been times I have truly believed I am just a terrible person and have just let myself go with that. I felt it was inevitable so why fight it and deny it, if it were in there it must be me. What I think I’ve come to realize is that one reason for my extremes of moods and actions is because I have a tendency to go with whichever side of me comes out and give that side of me full range of action. Moderation. For the past few weeks, I have made a conscience effort to avoid extremes. I’ve had to slow my life down to almost a halt to manage it, but so far it seems to work. The extremes don’t have to be that way. I’ve accepted that I can’t always control how I feel when I feel it, but I can control how I react to those feelings. I’ve known that for a while now, but I feel I’ve finally grasped the concept fully and am acting in accordance with that knowledge.
The problem I run into now I think is that I’ve slowed everything down so much that it’s time to pick up the pace and live a bit more normally and maintain that control. Time to slowly ease myself back into being social on more than just the surface. Maintaining control while hiding from people is all well and good and simple but can not last.
Although on the other hand, I relish my self-imposed loneliness. It’s so comfortable and freeing. I miss NYC. Now there is a city you can live alone in a crowd, always. If I didn’t have the kids I would so live there. I think that city was made for me. And from all I know and have seen is full of people just like me, loving the alone in a crowd feeling.
|
|
|
| |
| blah |
| 07.07.04 (4:00 am) [edit] |
Type, ramble, that’s what I need to do. I have things on my mind and I, as usual, am having trouble sorting them out. And of course, it’s always more difficult this time of month. Damn I hate PMS. I’m just outright irritable. Not like I have no reason to be or anything though. I miss the kids so much it’s unbelievable. I’ve done well all in all. Tried to keep busy or at least relax. I call them a lot, take one day at a time. But they so need to be home. The ex-moron just drives me crazy. He’s moved from asking me stupid questions like “they fight a lot…is that normal?” to “two have complained of chest pain…does that happen a lot?” It’s like he’s searching for things I’ve done wrong with them. Oddly, I take good care of my kids, they go to the doctor when they need to, they know the rules and how to behave. He’s let the oldest one get 8 stitches on her chin due to his lack of attention and forethought. Then she knocked a tooth out and he didn’t even think to get that checked as it wasn’t ready to come out. Then he takes them all to the eye doctor, which only one of them needs and just went less than 6 months ago. He did that because he said she said it’s been longer but I had told him last time I took her. Then his other reason was because she had lost them and no one could find them for two days. Hello! She’s 7 and in an “I hate my glasses mode.” Make her keep track of them and wear them. In the three years she’s had the glasses, we’ve never lost them for more than a few hours. But somehow, he is still searching for ways that I have failed. I don’t let it get to me all that much, but damn does it annoy me. And it’s gotten to the point where his irresponsibility is stressing me out. I’m not going to give him a hard time about it. There’s no point, one shit happens, kids aren’t always the easiest to take care of and two, he’s not involved enough in their life to really let it worry me. They can survive a few weeks with a moron.
On top of that, I’m still trying to find a job, I hate temp agencies right now. Going to a new one today and just keeping my fingers crossed for something…anything. It’s depressing to not even be able to get some crap job for a few weeks while the kids are gone, but I’m not giving up yet. It’s time to get a little more aggressive in my search and find a temp agency that will actually work for me. And to stop letting little things get in my way of doing that.
It’s been a week since my doctor’s appt. and nothing yet. Another week at most, then I should hear. Right now, I think I’m in the mode that says no, it’s not cancer, just call and tell me for sure so I can quit thinking about it. I just want to know and be done with the whole issue.
There are so many more things on my mind yet I still don’t know how to put them into words just yet. A lot of thoughts on friends, my decided lack of interest in relationships, family, and misc. other thoughts. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they form into coherency to write them down.
|
|
|
| |
|
|
