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| pep talk to self |
| 08.21.04 (7:00 pm) [edit] |
I’m a little on the stressed side tonight and I’m not entirely sure why. Well, I guess I do. I’m back in school, classes have started and I’m terrified that I’m not going to do well. It’s irrational because on my first assignments I’ve gotten 100%, I’m still dedicated and sure of my intelligence and motivation, but the fear is still there. I think a part of the fear has to do with the fact I just rearranged my schedule after getting transfer credits evaluated. I’m now taking 6 classes for a total of 16 credit hours. The 16 credits aren’t the problem it’s concentrating on 6 classes that makes me a bit nervous. But the more I do, the quicker I get my degree. Intelligence-wise, I know the stuff shouldn’t be that difficult. But there isn’t much room for error and none for slacking even a little with so much homework and so little time for the classes. Keeping track of them all I think will be harder than the actual work. It’s tempting for me to jump ahead in my first class, but that really does me no good considering after the first few assignments will be group work and my next classes don’t start for a few weeks. Not too mention, getting ahead doesn’t help me as much as it hurts me. I have had a tendency to lose track of where I’m ahead or what I’ve done and it makes staying on track for the long haul difficult. However, I know this, I recognize it and am going to fix that. I just need to take a deep breath and relax and understand that nothing comes easily in life and I am going to have to work constantly for the next 1.5 to 2 years for the degree I want. I can do that. Deep breath – in with the good, out with the bad. Kids in school next week will mean study time for me, then I should still have time for myself when they go to bed. Although that doesn’t leave room for that job I wanted. School first, job later. I just have to prioritize and not stress myself out to no end. Baby steps will get me there without the danger the giant leaps have. And yes, I know I’m pep talking myself. I need it. One day at a time and for tonight, my homework due tomorrow is done turned in and graded at 100%. Next homework is not due until next Sunday so I will pace myself and get in a pattern of doing things that will help me in the long run, because it’s the long run that is my goal, not the short term.
I think I covered all the cliché pep talk items. Why am I still stressed? Ok, instead of typed pep talk to self, bubble bath and bed…maybe that will help.
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| ramblings |
| 08.09.04 (5:55 pm) [edit] |
So, I took my girls camping this weekend. I went to the campground I went to with my parents when I was a kid. It was a lot of fun. Except the first night, I was there by myself with my girls. I was fine, feeling all safe and relaxed. I get in the tent and within an hour, I hear sounds outside the tent. Then someone set off firecrackers right near there. Then I hear more noise and see a shadow, which I tried to tell myself was not a person. I was panicked, scared out of my mind and felt completely helpless. Then it settled down and I started to relax a little again and then I end up seeing a raccoon shadow. I couldn’t decide whether to be relieved it was a raccoon because that meant no people, or scared of the damn raccoon because my tent didn’t zip all the way and I didn’t want the thing coming in to explore. Eventually I got a flashlight and scared the thing off with the bright light. That’s the short version of the night by myself. The result was a complete feeling of inadequacy. I was unable to do anything while I thought there were people outside my tent. Now, I realize it was kids playing jokes, enjoying themselves while on a boring camping trip with their parents, but it was downright scary. It was a family campground, I started out feeling quite safe and ended up deciding no more nights camping alone with my girls. And now that I’m home again, I feel unsafe here too. If something ever happened, how am I, a hundred pound single mom, ever going to be able to protect my kids? Ok, so the odds are low of anything ever happening, but the feeling is still there. I live in a great neighborhood, but my best neighbors just moved out and until someone new moves in, that space right next to me is empty and it leaves me feeling more vulnerable.
The odd thing is, I finally realized why it is I like being single so much. And then this happens and I realize at least one major benefit of having someone else around.
So, I know you’re wondering, why is it I like being single so much? Well, people generally get on my nerves eventually for one. Two, I enjoy my time to just do my thing. It’s the simple things. For example, having the radio on versus the TV, or reading a book and relaxing by myself, just deciding on the spur of the moment to take the kids somewhere, those are all things that are important to me. I like having my time be mine. I don’t want to clear it with someone else to do those things, I don’t want to bore someone with what I want to do, I don’t want to be bored with what someone else wants to do. Another huge thing is families. I am learning to really appreciate my family’s non-involvement. My sister and mom gossip back and forth a bit, but that’s it. They don’t try to tell me how to live my life, what to do or anything like that. I can’t stand it when I see other people’s family dictate how they live. They gossip back and forth and then there are huge arguments. They judge each other and feel the need to put their two cents in. Then it ends up as the person follows the advice out of family pressure or resents that the family can’t respect their decisions. I’ll admit to being very disappointed my family wasn’t happy with my life and I resented their feelings on it before. However, I’ve realized, I’m an adult and I don’t need their approval or happiness to do my thing and be happy with it. And I feel they respect me more for that attitude. My ex-husband didn’t necessarily live to win his family’s approval, but lived to “look good” in society. He wanted an image and he didn’t care what he had to do to maintain the image no matter how false it was. It’s that attitude that I can’t stand. Why must people do so much for others approval?
Ok, I’m ranting now, but let’s see, other things I like about being single. The main thing is not answering to anyone, to be able to spend my time my way with no one hurt or annoyed or any of that. I’ve decided I really hate explaining myself to people. I just want to live and relax.
Things are so going to change here soon. I am starting back to school his fall and am really going to not have much time for anyone. For the most part, not a problem, because most people have forgotten that the phone works both ways and don’t call at all. There will be at least one though, that is not going to be happy with the change. But, I’ve let too many things come between me and school and am determined to not let that happen again, hurt feelings or not. I’m not responsible for making anyone else happy, just as no one is responsible for making me happy. Maybe that’s the wrong attitude to have, but I don’t think so. I’ve said for a while now, I’m living for me, to make my dreams a reality, not to please anyone else. I have plans for me and as of right now, there is no significant other in those plans. I’m going to finish school in two years, get a full time job, get a new car within three years and in five years, buy my first house. That’s the plan. Sometime in the five years I’m going to take my girls on a real vacation, a full week somewhere cool for them, either a houseboat on Lake Cumberland in Kentucky or Myrtle Beach, SC. And I’m going to have the money to let them enjoy it to the fullest extent.
I just feel like finally, I’ve grown up. No more self-destructive behavior, no more excuses for failure. Just the calm realization that it’s time to roll up the sleeves and get to work making my place in life. I’ve made my goal of waiting until all my girls were in school, I can move on now and really make things work for myself. I just hope I can maintain my independence, make it through the rest of the rough financial times and finally feel as though I’ve accomplished something.
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