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| realizations... |
| 04.29.04 (9:34 am) [edit] |
Bitterness and anger. I know the purpose they serve, I have had enough bitterness and anger in my life to understand that you can’t go through life never feeling them. They are useful in moderation. The help to strengthen you when you are hurt. They hide the hurt until you are ready to face it and deal with it or until it fades.
Just recently, I ended my relationship with someone I still love to pieces. I did it without anger or bitterness. I did it because I didn’t see the relationship going anywhere and did not want to wait until it became full of bitterness and anger for me. I was restless because I knew it would end up there for me. I have no patience. I used all that up a while ago, even though I didn’t realize that until patience was again called for. I guess that makes me…what? Stupid for trying? A bitch for walking away? Naïve for wanting to believe, yet failing? I don’t think it does, but I see how people can think that. I can respect that. And maybe people are right.
But I’ve done so much thinking recently and feel like I might have actually been able to learn something. I let go of some past anger and bitterness I had and was able to look at something in a whole new light. I realized that all the faith in the world does not change the facts. I realized that love does not conquer all. I realized that no matter how much you want to, some things just can’t be changed. I realized that as impossible as it is to change someone else, it is sometimes almost as difficult to change yourself.
And I’ve started to think that maybe I’ve given all I have to give in love and don’t have much of anything left to offer anymore. Somewhere in all my thinking time, I believe I gave up. I looked back at all the times I’ve actually tried and failed and realized there just wasn’t much point in trying anymore. My eternal optimism bubble has burst. I didn’t lose faith in anyone else, just myself, but that’s probably the worst one to lose faith in, isn’t it? No bitterness, no anger, just reality. A sad, but true reality.
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