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| 05.02.04 (7:16 pm) [edit] |
I should be off to bed since I’m almost outta cigs and have to wait til morning to get them, but I think I need to write to sort my thoughts out. I feel very odd and not myself and I’m trying to figure out why. No, that’s not entirely true. I know why. I just don’t know what to do about it. I’ve shut myself off, turned the emotions to hidden, and have said fuck the world.
I told myself I wasn’t going to do this again. I wasn’t going to run from my feelings. It was so normal and healthy to feel them and deal with them. Why is it then that I ran so completely from them with no more than a moment’s notice? And as soon as I typed that I knew the answer. I lost hope, lost my faith in love, realized there will never be a happily ever after and so it was easier to just not feel than to face that kind of disappointment. I’m so tired of disappointment.
I’ve realized I will never be happy in life. I will never have that relationship I’ve always wanted. I’m not capable of it. And no one will have the patience or understanding to deal with me. I think I am just going to accept that I will always be alone and deal with it and move on. No point in trying for what you know you will never have. Better to just work with what is, and that is me, alone, not giving a shit.
Am I just depressed? Most likely. Something had to balance out the happiness I felt not so long ago. Before long it will even out and I will be somewhere in the middle until something else comes along to upset the balance. But I’m not going to let it be so easy to upset the balance anymore. If someone wants to know me, they will have to work for it…besides those that already know me, of course, can’t take back that knowledge now can I?
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posted by: LastPoeticKiss (reply)
post date: 05.07.04 (12:13 pm)
i get how you feel...i felt that way and still feel that ways at points in my life.
i thought i would never have friends, i have friends, never fall in love, i feel love...you will get happiness, no doubt. you just gotta wait around and have it arrow you in the butt.
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