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| coffee and tylenol and musings |
| 05.20.04 (6:47 pm) [edit] |
So I hear I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. The classic cliché. Unfortunately, it’s based on the assumption I’m actually looking for love, which I’m not. Damn if I thought I was jaded before, I was sadly mistaken. I never knew the depths to which jaded could go. I’ve always had walls. I think at some point in time I dropped those walls and that could be why I can end up as jaded as I am. When you let people in the only result is pain. Yes, there are some good things to come of it, but in the end there is only the hurt. Why is it the good things that happen don’t leave the lasting impression that the hurt does? I’ll ponder that point some other time.
I’m at an odd point in my emotional life I believe. I’ve dropped all the walls before, been burned, rebuilt them, dropped them again, been hurt etc etc etc. Although last time, I guess I wasn’t actually hurt, just disillusioned. The point is, right now, I’ve got more walls then I’ve ever had before and don’t plan on ever letting them down again. Except this time, I acknowledge that I still feel. I haven’t turned the emotions off. I still love, I still get angry, hurt, scared, happy, sad, etc. The difference now is, I am choosing which emotions to share and when and exactly how much. I'm completely in control of them all. No drama, no extremes, just emotions here and there, some shared, some not.
I’ve changed in another way too. People think I will just sit back and take shit. Nope, I did learn that lesson, it gets you no where. Oh sure people sit back and say oh she’s so sweet and oh how patient. Or they sit back and think wow what a dumb ass. C is my final answer, Regis. No more taking shit. Hell, if people want to think or say crap about me anyway, might as well give them reason to. I guess that just goes back to being jaded in essence though doesn’t it? Ah well, such is life.
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