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| just venting |
| 06.30.04 (7:53 am) [edit] |
I know I need to vent and I don’t even know where to begin. My kids are in Florida, I’m back from visiting my sister in NYC, my cat came home then disappeared again, I haven’t found a job yet. Things just really aren’t going my way right now. I know if I don’t start venting, I’m eventually going to breakdown completely. My ex is a freaking moron. He keeps trying to tell me how much the girls are misbehaving, he’s had nothing good to say about them. And he says it while they are still right there in hearing range. Why is it everyone I know and meet, family, neighbors, teachers, everyone, thinks my girls are angels and incredible except their own dad? Doesn’t he realize they are vying for his attention that they never get? That they are missing home tons and might just be a bit stressed and maybe he could try being understanding a bit more? No, he’d rather yell at me every time I call to talk to the girls and blame me for their behavior. Because you know, I’m a terrible parent or something. He can just take a fucking flying leap. I’m doing fairly well not letting it get to me, too, not that it seems that way, but I am. I realize he needs to blame me for his failures as a parent and that he really doesn’t know them enough to judge them like he is. I’ve had too much positive feedback from people on my parenting (even my ex’s mom thinks I’m great) to let his idiotic opinion get me down. It does irritate the living daylights out of me though.
I’m just so stressed out right now. I had my stupid doctor’s appointment yesterday, glad it’s finally done. I have 1-2 weeks before I find out if it’s cancer or if I will need any further treatment. Not that that is on my mind at all. LOL I’m here in an empty house, stressing about everything known to mankind with no real solution in sight to anything. There is no way to get results quicker, no way to get my kids home early, no way to just poof find a job (trying a temp agency, signed up today), no way to make money appear and go out and do anything, no way to make the moron ex wake up and be a proper parent.
I’d really like to just sit down and cry and get all of it out, but I can’t. It’s like I need just one more thing to push me to it. I told myself I would get through this all just fine, and I will. I also know that crying and getting some of the stress out is not a bad thing and at this point would be really helpful.
I’m supposed to go to a party Saturday (my neighbors, not really going anywhere except outside) and I don’t even feel like it. Then my cousin’s having a party on Monday for his son’s birthday and the 4th of July parade and I so would love to think of some excuse not to go. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, being around anyone, doing much of anything. I have of course, spent time with the aunt and uncle when I got back from NYC, went to my doctor’s appt., signed up with the temp agency. I’m making myself do things but it’s not easy. And yes, I know, it’s called depression, but it’s only a temporary thing. I can and will get through the next few weeks and I will be better for it. One day at a time is the way to go right now.
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