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| 07.07.04 (4:00 am) [edit] |
Type, ramble, that’s what I need to do. I have things on my mind and I, as usual, am having trouble sorting them out. And of course, it’s always more difficult this time of month. Damn I hate PMS. I’m just outright irritable. Not like I have no reason to be or anything though. I miss the kids so much it’s unbelievable. I’ve done well all in all. Tried to keep busy or at least relax. I call them a lot, take one day at a time. But they so need to be home. The ex-moron just drives me crazy. He’s moved from asking me stupid questions like “they fight a lot…is that normal?” to “two have complained of chest pain…does that happen a lot?” It’s like he’s searching for things I’ve done wrong with them. Oddly, I take good care of my kids, they go to the doctor when they need to, they know the rules and how to behave. He’s let the oldest one get 8 stitches on her chin due to his lack of attention and forethought. Then she knocked a tooth out and he didn’t even think to get that checked as it wasn’t ready to come out. Then he takes them all to the eye doctor, which only one of them needs and just went less than 6 months ago. He did that because he said she said it’s been longer but I had told him last time I took her. Then his other reason was because she had lost them and no one could find them for two days. Hello! She’s 7 and in an “I hate my glasses mode.” Make her keep track of them and wear them. In the three years she’s had the glasses, we’ve never lost them for more than a few hours. But somehow, he is still searching for ways that I have failed. I don’t let it get to me all that much, but damn does it annoy me. And it’s gotten to the point where his irresponsibility is stressing me out. I’m not going to give him a hard time about it. There’s no point, one shit happens, kids aren’t always the easiest to take care of and two, he’s not involved enough in their life to really let it worry me. They can survive a few weeks with a moron.
On top of that, I’m still trying to find a job, I hate temp agencies right now. Going to a new one today and just keeping my fingers crossed for something…anything. It’s depressing to not even be able to get some crap job for a few weeks while the kids are gone, but I’m not giving up yet. It’s time to get a little more aggressive in my search and find a temp agency that will actually work for me. And to stop letting little things get in my way of doing that.
It’s been a week since my doctor’s appt. and nothing yet. Another week at most, then I should hear. Right now, I think I’m in the mode that says no, it’s not cancer, just call and tell me for sure so I can quit thinking about it. I just want to know and be done with the whole issue.
There are so many more things on my mind yet I still don’t know how to put them into words just yet. A lot of thoughts on friends, my decided lack of interest in relationships, family, and misc. other thoughts. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they form into coherency to write them down.
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