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alone in a crowd...and loving it
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| alone in a crowd...and loving it |
| 07.08.04 (3:05 pm) [edit] |
I just read a very good book. Mary Reilly by Valerie Martin. It’s the Jekyll and Hyde story from a different perspective, that of Jekyll’s housemaid. It takes the same premise as the original Jekyll and Hyde, exploring the good and evil side of people, to another level. The book really set me to thinking on the subject.
We all face the darker sides of ourselves at times. Some people hide from that side of themselves. Others accept that aspect too willingly and believe that is all that is in them. As in everything, moderation is the key. Neither extreme will ever be a solution. There is both good and bad in everyone. I think the answer lies in accepting that there exists bad in ourselves, but the decision to act on that bad is in us. Just because it exists does not make it who we are unless we choose that option.
There have been times I have truly believed I am just a terrible person and have just let myself go with that. I felt it was inevitable so why fight it and deny it, if it were in there it must be me. What I think I’ve come to realize is that one reason for my extremes of moods and actions is because I have a tendency to go with whichever side of me comes out and give that side of me full range of action. Moderation. For the past few weeks, I have made a conscience effort to avoid extremes. I’ve had to slow my life down to almost a halt to manage it, but so far it seems to work. The extremes don’t have to be that way. I’ve accepted that I can’t always control how I feel when I feel it, but I can control how I react to those feelings. I’ve known that for a while now, but I feel I’ve finally grasped the concept fully and am acting in accordance with that knowledge.
The problem I run into now I think is that I’ve slowed everything down so much that it’s time to pick up the pace and live a bit more normally and maintain that control. Time to slowly ease myself back into being social on more than just the surface. Maintaining control while hiding from people is all well and good and simple but can not last.
Although on the other hand, I relish my self-imposed loneliness. It’s so comfortable and freeing. I miss NYC. Now there is a city you can live alone in a crowd, always. If I didn’t have the kids I would so live there. I think that city was made for me. And from all I know and have seen is full of people just like me, loving the alone in a crowd feeling.
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